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the second trimester

A collection of passages from various journal entries during the second trimester.

3 months

  • “Sometimes the fear still creeps in. I sill see myself having to tell everyone we lost the baby, but then I push those thoughts away.”
  • “Yesterday was good, I was able to eat a few things, and cooking has been happening a little more at home. I started to get anxious and worried in the evening when I continued to feel good. I tried to push the thoughts away but it was hard work. We went to the midwife appointment and heard it, for the first time. The baby’s little heart beat. Strong and fast. It was unreal. We were quiet, we just listened, I didn’t want it to end.”

 

4 months

  • “Honestly I don’t know how we got here, but then I do, one day at a time. There is an avocado sized baby inside me, it blows my mind. No one can tell because all the vomiting has kept my stomach flatter than ever before. But we heard the heartbeat, they are really in there!”
  • “I turn 28 soon. It feels crazy to me because I’ve generally disliked my birthdays and the idea of getting a year older, but being so close to 30 I figured i’d be having some mental breakdown haha. Suddenly though, my view has changed. I’ve been able to enjoy all these years in my 20s to the max. I have moved ahead in my career and have spent so much quality time with my husband. We’ve enjoyed all these years of it being just us and Congo and it has been amazing. We’ve done crazy things and seen the world. None of this has to change of course, and heck, there’s still TWO long full years ahead in my 20s, but my 30s now look so exciting.”
  • “I am full of gratefulness for all of the wonderful things in my life. I am grateful to be pregnant in this moment, for not wanting for anything but the healthy baby boy or girl to come join us in this life. I am overjoyed in happiness daily. I thank God, above all.”
  • “I am grateful for this moment in our lives, for the life growing inside me.”
  • “I am hopeful that those that continue to hope and pray for a child will be blessed with one.”
  • “Fear will not allow me to do what I know I am able to do, so I refuse it and prohibit it from coming anywhere near my pregnancy and birth.”

 

5 months

  • “I am starting to fall in love with this tiny belly of mine. It’s taking a little bit of shape, but overall it’s small and still most people at work don’t know. But it’s the way my body is shaped, it’s the way it’s growing this little baby and honestly as long as they are healthy there is no need to worry about whether my belly is round or flat at this moment.”
  • “I think I felt the baby move, but I can’t be sure, it’s not like I know what that would feel like… I had just eaten so I wasn’t sure if it had just been my stomach processing food but it felt like a rolling motion. We’ll have to wait and see!”
  • “We started setting up the nursery! Moved the home office to a different room and things are taking shape!”

 

6 months

  • “This little guy has been so active lately! The feeling is surreal and amazing. Feeling him move catches me by surprise and instantly makes me smile.”
  • “I have been feeling so good now! I’m still in my regular jeans and regular clothes, but I can see the roundness will be coming soon!”
  • “I haven’t thrown up in a few days so that’s been incredible. I haven’t had the energy to work out throughout this pregnancy, mostly the vomiting and lack of food has kept me from it, but I can see I have the energy now, so I’m excited to make that happen in the near future.”
  • “Finally picked up all the big items we needed, like a stroller, crib, car seat etc and we’re waiting for them to be delivered. It’s feeling so real!”

 

“My darling baby boy, we lost your brother or sister one month before you showed up. Reading back the entries of my journal I realize how fragile you are, and have been this whole time. You too were the size of an orange seed once… and it’s wild to think you’re as big as a bunch of kale now. You’re huge little one! Your kicks made my tummy move last night for the first time and I sat there, staring at the little bumps you made in awe of your strength. You are amazing, strong and so incredibly loved. The entries of my journal count back all the days with you, and I smile at the relief and celebration of making it another day together. Look how far we’ve come my love, one day at a time has led us here, to week 27, the last week of this wild and incredible second trimester. 91 days to go, already on the double digits and I’m ready to meet you. Yes, our lives will change more than we know but I’m ready for it all.

Love you always,

Mom.”

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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IAMNOTAMOTHER
Have you ever had one of those really vivid dreams? The ones that when you wake you don’t really know if you’re still dreaming. My experiences with dreaming are pretty unique: from lucid dreaming, to astral projections, traveling and the like, don’t worry, I won’t scare you with my stories, that’s not what this post is about.

Last night I had one of the most beautiful dreams I have ever had. The sun shone brightly above though I never once looked up at it. The rays punctured my skin with that playful and loving heat. There was little wind but I could smell her scent. A most beautiful one. She had long black hair and fairly tanned skin. Her fingers were so tiny and were wrapped around two of mine. As we walked on the small path surrounded by tall and thin wild grass, she hummed to herself, a tune all of her own. She had flowers in her hair and wore an ivory dress. Both of us were barefoot and it brought back memories of my wedding day. Sharing vows barefoot, letting ourselves connect to nature in the best way possible: with blades of cool grass slipping through our toes. My mind was back to her. I don’t know if we lived in this beautiful forest or if we were just visiting; but it felt like home. I felt like this is where we belonged and that there was no reason at all to leave. I don’t remember what I wore. I don’t think that I took notice. My eyes were fixed on her, she was so perfect so amazing and so incredible. To think that a human can create another little pretty human is still such a wonder to me.

As we walked I noticed a rock come into view. She raised her arms towards me and i was struck by her eyes, so big and round. Without thinking I helped her with ease. She was so light. As she stood, she stated that she was at eye-level with me we gazed each other’s eyes. She had tiny little freckles by her left eye and a smile that could likely hypnotize anyone. She begun telling a story about a baby deer. I can’t remember her little speech word for word, but she wanted the baby deer to be her pet. She had already named him. She continued to tell me about the baby animal and how she played with him. I listened intently, I wanted to hear every single word she had to say. I wanted to see how her lips moved, where she put the accent in her words, and how she pronounced certain words. She had a hard time making the “C” sound. This lovely creature that in my dreams I created.

When I woke up, for an instant, just an instant I thought I was in the forest. The sun peeks through my window and hits me straight in the face, it’s how I wake up. Some people would hate waking up to such shocking brightness, but I love looking into the sun warming my face every morning. I came to be and I realized it had all been a dream. The most perfect and beautiful dream I had ever had. Who really knows if it wasn’t some other magical dimension that I just got a little glimpse of. Maybe somewhere, sometime, I did walk in the fields with my young daughter with her tiny perfect fingers wrapped around mine. I hope that we continue to visit that forest and share in the small moments like that. Full of life and attentive to one another with nothing else to distract us. For now I will wait for her in this dimension, for when she’s ready to visit me and be part of this life. Until then, I love you sweet child.

Love, mom.

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