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the first miscarriage

We got pregnant after one try, it was kind of crazy that way. We were a family of four counting Congo for 10 weeks before the bleeding started one morning, it was faint, barely there, but fear set in and burrowed a home in my stomach. We called the midwife and she said to monitor it, but not to be alarmed, bleeding could happen in a healthy pregnancy. I don’t know the order of events, it feels like a terrible dream. My mind was a blur of thoughts, how could I focus when my body was potentially failing me? When the bleeding got heavier and the blood tests confirmed the HCG hormone had risen but not by the amount it should have, my heart knew. I was losing my first baby. He was leaving me and there was nothing I could do about it. We had already shared 11 weeks together, there was this special bond we had created. Christian kissed my belly every morning and I talked to this little baby every day on my way to work. I loved him deeply and my due date was already in my calendar. My baby, my very first baby. I remember crying for hours in bed one morning. The bleeding was so heavy, the pain in my abdomen was settling in, making it all the more real for me. Christian cried with me but also urged us to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to, I knew what they would say, it would be too final, it would make it all real. But I was weak and nothing made sense to me, so I agreed. We rode with red faces and upon getting a room they asked me to put on a hospital gown. I wore it with one of Christian’s sweaters over top. It was bright yellow. We waited there and he held my hand. I remember being numb. Tears somehow kept forming in my eyes, and the thoughts we a mixture of faint Whys and Maybe it’s all ok. When they gave us the news that the baby was no longer inside of me my world fell apart. There could be no deeper pain, no stronger raw world shaking pain that could exist. A knife dug in deep into my chest, the lack of air in my lungs suffocated me, nothing could make this moment less painful and there was nothing I could do to change it. He was gone, my baby boy was gone. We never knew his gender, but a part of me always thought of him as a he, so a he he stayed.

The feelings of losing someone set in like they do. One after the other..

SHOCK & DENIAL

There was a numbness, that came the days after, only Christian and anyone who has gone through something similar can understand. I felt hollow, like the best part of me had been viciously ripped out. An empty shell with nothing left inside of me. Like a black hole lay where my baby used to be. It felt surreal, this wasn’t supposed to be a part of our story. This wasn’t how life is supposed to go, you get pregnant, you give birth, you live life with a baby, the baby breathes… everything was all wrong. Someone had messed up the order of life’s events, he was too little.

PAIN & GUILT

The knife sat lodged in my chest. It was constantly hard to breathe. The world felt like a scary place and I had lost all sense of control. Control, this illusion of something I had. Guilt took place over pain quickly. I needed someone to blame, and who better than me? It was my job wasn’t it? My job to bring this baby into the world, and I couldn’t do it. I failed at this one task and now he was gone. The guilt weighed heavy over me, hurting me daily. Just the word itself is hurtful. MISCARRIAGE, defined as an unsuccessful outcome of something planned – “the miscarriage of the project”. Words have power and although I tried not to dig into it too much, it just pointed to me. I failed in carrying this baby, and that was hard to swallow.

ANGER & BARGAINING

I am the woman. I was the one carrying this child of ours. How could my body fail me like this? Why did this happen to me? What terrible thing have I done to deserve this pain, to deserve this tragedy? Up to that point in my life I was at the healthiest I had ever been. I stayed away from alcohol for months before we even started trying, I ate regularly and healthy meals, I worked out almost every day. I was strong, I was ready. I did all the right things, I took all the right steps. HOW could this happen to ME? I saw a pregnant woman outside the mall, she was smoking. Why me? I saw a woman who was obese ignore her doctor’s recommendations and continue to consume large quantities of soft drinks and junk food carry her baby happily into the world. Why did I even try then? I saw pregnant women everywhere and wondered how I was different, what mistake I had made. It was unhealthy to think this way and I only know this now, but at the time, I felt angry with my body, with other pregnant women and with the world.

DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS

I became upset and sad that I had spent so much effort getting super healthy, to have my body be in the best shape for welcoming new life and seeing that at the end of the day it didn’t matter. I gained weight really fast, I ate pizza every other day because Why did it matter anyways… It was hard to talk about it as much as I wanted to, none of my closest friends could ever understand this loss, nor did I ever want them to have to understand. Mother’s day came around just over a month after our loss. By then the world had forgotten. It was one of the hardest days for me. I was supposed to be pregnant, celebrating the journey to motherhood on this special day. All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and wait for tomorrow, but family expectations meant we had to not only celebrate our moms, rightly so, they should be celebrated, but also plan the whole thing. I felt like it was the world’s cruel way of hurting me, plan a party for a dozen people to celebrate a day that was going to be yours too. My heart was so heavy and my sadness was so grand. This day, a reminder of what I was on the journey to becoming, or was I already a mother? I felt like a mother who had lost her child too early, a mother with a baby that didn’t get a chance to live in this world outside of my body, but a mother all the same, yet the world didn’t see me that way. Only Christian saw me as a Mother, and in the mail when I checked it that morning, I received a letter from my angel baby that Christian had written. It was the most touching, and the best mother’s day gift I could have received that day. The action will forever live in my heart. I braved the day. I put on a good face. I smiled and I laughed. I planned an obstacle course for all of us to warm up because the day turned out to be super cold and we were outside. Eventually we packed up and went home. I think Christian and I ate pizza for dinner and just watched Netflix for the rest of the night. He held me close and I cried every now and then, but the day was over and tomorrow should be a little less painful.

THE UPWARD TURN

Work became interesting in the coming months, and enough changes were happening at work to create a distraction from the pain. We found opportunities knocking at our doors and incredible things happening in our careers. Both Christian and I took it as signs that this is where our attention needed to be. We had not wanted to try again for a baby. We decided maybe we could take some time to focus on our jobs. We had come out of the fog and the routine of our life was starting to make its way back into our life. The pizza delivery guy was not called any more, healthy food started to be made again in our kitchen, and life continued as it had. The workouts resumed soon after and we spent time on us.

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

Christian and I have this incredible bond and connection I could gush about all day. But we communicate, sometimes more than he’d like, haha, and we work through every little thing. Communication is number one for us. Only by doing it together were we able to come to terms with what had happened. We mourned our lost child but we built a stronger unit. We knew we could get through anything having just been to hell and back while holding hands the entire time. We worked through our emotions and we worked on ourselves. I realized my goal had been to be a mother for so long that it had become the reason I did many of the things I did. Fitness had been a part of my life for years but when I started to break down why I had gained all this weight and lost control I realized I had been doing it all for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be healthy, for the baby that would come in our future. I wanted to be fit and strong, for the baby and the pregnancy that would come in the future… The thing was, when this pregnancy and baby came, and then left. I lost my purpose, I lost my reasons, I lost my why. I changed trajectory during this time. I decided to be healthy for ME. I decided to be fit and strong for ME, and this is likely one of the things that allowed me to stay stronger when we lost our second baby last October.

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

As time passed we grew to accept that this was our story, and this was how life was supposed to go for us. There were many lessons learned through this unfortunate and terrible event. We grew to be stronger, time heals, this I have learned. We don’t live with what ifs, they do more harm than good. We live in love and in hope. We hoped when we decided to try again, sometime in the future that it would be our time, and although we lost that baby too and it took a third try, we are beyond grateful for every experience that has led us to be pregnant with this baby boy today. We love him so much already and we are anxiously, terribly and impatiently waiting to meet him but we live in love and in hope. And every day is a wonder and a blessing, and every moment with him kicking inside me makes my heart skip a beat.

Why share all this?

I know this is incredibly personal, and I know many would choose not to share these words, but I have been continually surprised and delighted to receive private messages from women who have experienced something similar. Women who share in this story in some way and who felt alone and isolated in their pain before they connected with someone who understood them. So I share this for you, the silent reader who I may not hear from, and those that do reach out and share their stories with me. My hope has always been to share in hopes that someone else might connect to the words on the screen and feel even just a little bit less alone.

Love,

Mariangelica

 

Photo by Dmitry Bayer on Unsplash

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We. Are. Pregnant.

Wow.

The photo says it all. Our excitement is uncontainable. I’m thrilled to be sharing the news publicly now. I’m excited to be able to talk about what these last three months of our lives have been like. It’s been a ride, that’s for sure.

It’s hard to talk about this pregnancy without talking about our two previous pregnancies. I’ve openly talked with people in my life about the two babies we lost, but when I’m ready I’ll be able to truly share and put words to what that was like, because I really do believe in openly talking about how difficult pregnancy can truly be for some of us and how common miscarriage is. The topic will continue to be tabooed if we shy away from sharing our experiences. I don’t need to say much more than state that it happened, and it is because of this history that many of my experiences as a pregnant woman now may differ from that of a first timer’s. There are many ways in which these losses coat my current experiences, and many ways in which they have allowed for very different and positive outlooks on many of the things that have happened so far.

There are so many moments over the past three months where I did not feel like myself. It’s easy for me to sum up the three months in a blur of overjoyed excitement mixed with overwhelming fear and anxiety. From the moment I saw the second line appear on that home pregnancy test I fell to the floor in an incredibly powerful realization of how blessed I was to get another chance. The joy hit me like a truck and filled my very being. The tears flowed like never before. Almost just as quickly, I felt my expression change into worry. What did this mean? How could I keep this one safe, was there anything I could do? The realization again of how frail life was and how removed I was from the position of control was terrifying.

Fear marked many of my first experiences, the first trip to the bathroom was terrifying, the first ultrasound visit that wasn’t related to a miscarriage was also terrifying, pretty soon I realized this was not fair. It wasn’t fair for the little human being that was taking shape inside of me nor was it fair to Christian or me. We made a very conscious decision to remove fear from our minds, and it’s not as easy as it sounds. Lots of personal work had to happen for this to eventually be replaced by the goal which was the feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Meditation, prayer, visualization and daily mantras have kept fear at bay. It’s not like it’s impossible for it to come back, it has and will continue to, but I have a process in place for changing the thinking patterns now, and gratefulness is always the counter to fear for me.

“I am grateful to be pregnant in this moment, I am grateful for the life inside of me and I know they are happy, healthy and comfortable.”

Over and over until nothing else can occupy my mind, let the fear pass.

Right around the time I hit six weeks, the nausea paid me a visit, and made itself very comfortable in my life. It was soon found out that I had something called “Severe Morning Sickness” and this is why I spent weeks on end vomiting about 8 times a day, at all times of the day.

Some days I barely remember being awake, visions of waking up and being half carried to the bathroom by Christian. Vomiting until the blood vessels in my face burst and I left the bathroom only to fall back into his arms. Faint attempts to eat a soda cracker or two.

Days when I would start a timer after eating to push myself to hold in what I ate for at least half an hour before the breathing exercises wouldn’t work anymore and I had to run to throw up. I think the longest I made it was 27 minutes, and I was proud of that.

Without fault though, after every trip to throw up, I gave thanks. Something was happening inside me, and this was my constant reminder, my constant alert that all was well, and I was still pregnant. The gratefulness I felt, and continue to feel has kept my spirits high.

After three weeks of barely surviving on vitamin water and soda crackers, I had lost nine pounds, I looked faint and weak, I could barely keep myself upright and even water was difficult to contain. I was trying to just handle it. And I felt like I couldn’t complain, I didn’t want to either. I’d wanted this for long enough, and it was here and now, I just had to roll with whatever came. I am very much aware of those families that are still in their journey to have their positive pregnancy test and I felt like complaining was the same thing as being ungrateful. Which is very much untrue, but I share in case someone else has ever felt this way. Christian urged me to phone my doctor who quickly prescribed medication due to the severity of what I was experiencing. “All pregnant women with nausea take this,” I got the pills and after some online research on them decided I would give it a try.

It’s crazy but my immediate thought was that I was cheating at this pregnancy thing. Taking medicine to make this ‘easier’? It felt like I wasn’t going to get to experience everything as it should be, like I was choosing the easy way out. Silly, in hindsight, but I remember even then being immediately shocked at how quickly the guilt came over me. I shook my head as I took the medicine and went to bed. Guilt is not something I want to be a part of my life, again, I’m not saying you should block feelings out but I can make the conscious choice to change them.

The next morning, I woke up and went to brush my teeth, it was mid-brush that I realized I didn’t wake up with the immediate need to vomit. Relief seems like the appropriate feeling at this point, but I felt none of it. Instead I froze, toothbrush in mouth, my eyes going wide and looking at my stomach’s reflection. Why wasn’t I feeling sick, why wasn’t I throwing up, did something happen to the baby? Had something gone terribly wrong? The next hour was brutal as I worked really hard to rid myself of these thoughts. It’s the medicine, it’s working, that’s all. But I immediately thought, there’s no way I can take this medicine again, the anxiety it gave me was not worth the relief from the vomiting, throwing up had become my cue that all was well, taking it away was not going to work for me. But I couldn’t even make it to work, I still had to function. The debate was strong and didn’t last long because soon enough I was overcome with nausea and had to rush to throw up. My eyes stayed closed at the end as I gave thanks again and my heart starting beating at a normal pace.

I’ve come far since then, I now take four of those pills a day and still throw up regularly though my average has gone down to threeish times a day, thanks to the medication. It’s still been insane and some days are worse than others in terms of how little food I’m able to hold in but I’m just past the three month mark (14 weeks today!), we now wait and see if this gets a little less pronounced and allows me to focus on eating regular meals, eating vegetables and good stuff more often.

Today we live in gratitude and happiness. Sure, there are moments when we falter, but for the most part we have found balance. For now, we are grateful for each day we get. It’s a new day, baby is still here with us and there’s so much joy in just that simple thought. Christian has always been the biggest love of my life but the love I feel for him has expanded to new levels as I’ve seen him care for me day in and day out. His constant support in rubbing my back when I’m throwing up, always getting my pills, encouraging me to drink or eat throughout the day, just hugging me when I’ve been unable to keep anything in for days and making sure I never need to ask for anything. I’m grateful for him in my life, for all that he is. There is so much love in the small actions you do every day that they are so much more powerful than any grand gesture once a year ever could outdo.

Thank you for reading this far. Now we’re caught up.

Love, Mariangelica

 

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Best nine memories in June

June was such a whirlwind. It’s my month. The month that signifies love, and commitment. We got married in June, we started dating in June. So many wonderful things happened in June!

One

How wonderful is it to see people in love? This month we celebrated with a wonderful couple that hold a dear place in our hearts, Danielle and Sean! These two are undoubtedly made for each other and weddings just make me happy all over! I was actually incredibly sick the day of their wedding (and a few days before and after) My mind, being the strongest part of me, was too happy about the idea of seeing them walk down the aisle and party and dance that I pushed my sickness away, held it off and danced the night away with the hottest groomsmen in sight (my hubby) and then went home and felt the sickness return with a vengeance haha. Honestly, so much love for those two. I wish them the greatest fun and the best experiences in their life as a married couple, because I think marriage is da bomb.

Two

So, I’m not entirely sure when this obsession with pineapples began, but as I thought about a theme for a house party I wanted to throw for my work friends it seemed to be what kept popping in my brain! I achieved a huge milestone in my career this month and I wanted to thank some of the people that have been most important in my work life with a house party full of tropical goodness. I went slightly overboard. But really, it wouldn’t be my party if I hadn’t. Helium balloons filled the ceiling, hand cut pineapple print outs were everywhere in my house and a ridiculous amount of tropical decorations adorned the place. Including a ginormous pineapple balloon. It was such a wonderful time and a great reminder how important it is to have friends where you work. People you like and people that like you! Others you can have a laugh with or share in intelligent conversations! Tropical Party was a success!

Three

This month, my beautiful niece Sofia had her very first Dance Recital. I’d never attended a dance recital of any kind, and at first thought I’d have to endure 20 other classes of 4 year olds shy-ly dancing the macarena. But to my great surprise, this was quite the production!! Dancers all the way up to the highschool level performed some insanely beautiful and stunning performances that broke up the classes of the youngest students, making them actually really adorable to watch and see how each kid performed their 30 second dance. Other performances were award winning dances previously performed at the national level! The theatre, the lights, the costumes, it was breathtaking. Needless to say when my niece walked out in her costume and did her teapot dance i could barely watch through the tears that filled my eyes. This munchkin is one of a kind.

Four

One morning while getting ready to go to work I thought I’d check my calendar, just something told me to check it, and lo and behold, I had booked a day off for that very same day and had completely forgotten about it!! What a wonderful surprise! Days off are amazing, and only a little better when they get you by surprise. I actually didn’t do anything productive which is a hard thing for me to do! I played video games, watched tv, bummed around in my comfy clothes, played some guitar, played with Congo and enjoyed just being home.

Five

Christian and I treated our family to a Blue Jays game! Sadly the blue jays lost, but the experience was really great! We love being able to be there and be a part of some of their first experiences in Canada. And this, was their first baseball game here! They cheered loudly and actually enjoyed the game regardless of our final score. Loved our time together.

Six

Cam and CJ are some very wonderful human beings and I met them in my early years in highschool, online in some writing forums. Who knew you could make long lasting friendships through forums? But we managed to, and through the years of social media have kept in touch through skype video chats, myspace, facebook and instagram! They took a long train to see us a couple years ago when we visited New York on our long roadtrip, but we only had a few hours back then (And we spent them at a sex museum, haha) This time, they stayed with us as we explored Niagara Falls, brewery tours in KW and learned a few new board games, our mutual love and interest! They also bought their future baby’s first outfit while they were here! It was a super special experience and a memory I’m grateful we now have. They are just as adorable in person as they are online and we can’t wait for the next time our real lives cross paths.

Seven

We had another house guest stay with us for a whole week, Bailey, my furry nephew. This little ball of fluff came to stay with us while my sister and brother in law went camping and at first we were nervous to how Congo would handle having another male dog in the house. Well, let me tell you, they became the best of buds. Short of sleeping together they played like I’ve never seen Congo play and they went on a bajillion walks together. Walking together like totals pros. I think it was a great experience and it actually encouraged us to walk Congo more than we used to (since he’s potty trained to go in his indoor bathroom, he used to get less walks!) Now we’re well balanced with taking him outside or inside and it’s been a positive shift!

Eight

Christian and I got ourselves these little gadgets this month. It has been quite fun to compete with each other and many of our friends in step challenges throughout the weeks. Quite often we do things just because we know it will get us many steps and we’ve gone on more walks than we have in a long time! Now there’s no excuse to be bored! You can always be walking!

Nine

June 29th is our special day. This year we celebrated 4 years since the day we said ‘I do’. We have so many fond memories of our wedding day and all the years before and after. It’s becoming difficult to remember which year we did what but what’s important is that we have grown to love each other more and more as the days go by. There’s no one else I could ever dream of sharing forever with. It’s such an incredible feeling to be so raw and open and vulnerable with another person and feel safe and challenged and pushed to be your very best. We’re each other’s cheerleaders and coaches and although we have grown as a couple and in our marriage we have individually grown too. In our careers, in our personal development, in our beliefs and in what we will accept and refuse. It’s been incredible to discover who we have become. We will continue to dream and create and aspire to be, but also to thank, be grateful for and keep each other grounded in what really matters, family. We celebrated in the way that best suits what makes us happy which is the sun and the water. Lots of beach and sushi.

In June I was grateful for…

 

  • People getting married and love being in the air.
  • A thrifted dress for $14 to wear to said wedding. Score!
  • Christian getting to have some fun as a groomsman.
  • Dancing the night away with Christian, because no flu was going to get me down.
  • Mom, taking care of me when I was sick.
  • Playing softball and consistently playing in the outfield.
  • Homemade sorbets of mango and berries.
  • DIY decor fun times for an awesome tropical party we planned.
  • My friends crushing their goals in out wellness group.
  • Finding a foil pineapple balloon!!
  • Having so many awesome co workers over at our place.
  • Potluck foods and eating Christian’s heaven sent paella!
  • Seeing babies that were just too cute for words.
  • Crying with pride and emotion at seeing Sofia step on the stage during her first dance recital.
  • Being surprised with a day off!
  • Getting my workouts IN.
  • Taking the family to a baseball game for the first time in Canada and having them cheer for our Jays.
  • Being able to take Congo to work.
  • Receiving Cam and CJ from New York and showing them around our side of the world.
  • Exploring Niagra Falls like a tourist.
  • Winning some $$ at the casino.
  • Playing so many new and sweeeeeet board games.
  • Christian’s company hosting us for a brewery tour!
  • Reminders that kids will be kids.
  • Getting a fitbit and being inspired to step up my game because of the competition
  • Seeign Congo interact with Bailey and having two dogs for a week.
  • Realizing two dogs is a lot of work.
  • Homemade cashew butter. What else do I need to say.
  • Massages.
  • Mom getting to visit Meli in Montreal.
  • Christian getting news there’s a way to fix his restless sleep!
  • Watching an awesome asian drama. My guilty pleasure.
  • Celebrating our 4TH wedding anniversary. HOW. HOW?
  • Enjoying our week off to the max and spending so much time together.
  • The beach and the sun.
  • The water and the waves.
  • Sushi.

Look out for another Best Nine to hear all about July!

Mariangelica

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I turned 27, and no, I am still not an expert at life (is anyone, really?) but I have learned a few life lessons that I wasn’t entirely aware of in my teen years that I wish I had known. I wanted to share them, in case any of these resonated with some of your own life lessons. Let me know in the comments what’s one thing you’ve learned in your life that you didn’t grasp when you were a teenager?

Let me know in the comments what’s one thing you’ve learned in your life that you didn’t grasp when you were a teenager?

1. Energy is real, and it’s important.

The energy we surround ourselves with every day is something to take note on. The energy we put out into the world with our thoughts will come to us. So be positive and surround yourself with positive, good, cleansing and healing energy and remove yourself from situations where you feel your energy being sucked out.

2. Take a compliment.

Being self conscious, having body image issues, feeling less then, or being insecure all lead to very many different ways of taking a compliment. Do you compliment back, do you believe they are just telling you that because they feel like they need to. Do you look down in the dumps and that’s why they said something nice to you? The amount of damaging thoughts we have sometimes it’s unreal. Just say “Thank you”.

3. Enjoy the time with your loved ones.

People go unexpectedly. They’re here today and gone tomorrow. There’s things I wanted to say, wish I would have said and long for just one more hug and smile from them. I know they’re in the most incredible spirit realm. I know and trust they are happy and calm and with all the goodness that are other pure souls, but if it’s taught me anything it’s to cherish those souls when they are around me in this plane. To hug and cherish every good time, and love deeply.

4. Green veggies are for all.

It doesn’t seem like that long ago that I lived off of morning sugary cereals with hormone filled cow milk, lunched on white bread (sugar) with a cold cut meat and some cheese and dined on the only proper meal of my day which was my mom’s home cooked dinners of usually steak, potatoes and rice, avoiding salads at all costs. My life has done a complete backflip, or would this be considered a front flip… I have educated myself and continue to do so (because really there’s just so much to learn) on the importance of food, the importance of real ingredients and the importance of eating locally grown produce. I’ve stopped eating land and air animals and my health has become of clear importance in my life.

5. Love fully and deeply.

There was once a quote I read that said something like “The one that loves less has more power in a relationship.” When I was young and was just getting over the biggest heart break of my teenage years I believed these words. I thought they made perfect sense. If I love less I’ll be protected, if I love less, I can’t be hurt.

But this, young me, was foolish and wrong and thankfully, you understood what true, real, and passionate love was all about and power was never a part of that homemade description. I have learned of love in these 27 years, and I will continue to learn from it when new milestones occur, and when there are little ones to love, but for now I am grateful for the lessons of love I have had so far, for I love fully, and deeply and with no holding back because there is no fear of ever being hurt.

6. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one will.

You have to believe it, because at the end of the day, no one else belief matters quite like yours. So trust yourself. This one took a while to learn.

7. Try something before you say you don’t like it.

This was not true of me in the past when it came to food that’s for sure, but when it comes to life, heck yes. I’m a trier. I try a bit of everything, and sometimes I get really passionate about something new and give it my all. Sometimes I burn out and lose focus, and other times I don’t. This is how you learn more about yourself, about what you’re like and about what you can do! Try everything! Say yes to the opportunity. Figure it out along the way!

8. Done is better than perfect.

Accomplishing something is better than quitting because you don’t feel like it will turn out quite how you want it to. I’ve been guilty of this so so so many times in the past. Why write that novel if I don’t think I’m very good? Why be a coach when I don’t have a facebook fan page. It doesn’t matter, you do it because you had told yourself you were going to, and breaking a promise to yourself just tells the universe you are not that important.

9. It’s all in the process.

The destination is pretty freaking cool. But the journey you take to getting there is where the story lies, it’s where the meat of the lesson is in.

10. Do the work.

You want to be something, do something, achieve something? Do the work, make hard decisions, wake up every day with full commitment and intention.

11. Knowing WHY is the most important piece of knowledge.

It doesn’t matter how you are going to do something or when, doesn’t even matter what you are going to do if you don’t know why you are doing it. When your why is strong you will not fail, you will not quit and you will give it your all.

12. I have a lot more to give of myself, and to be.

I am young, although my mind fights me on that one and whispers how close 3-0 truly is. Truthfully, I am excited for what is to come and how my role as a woman will change over the next few years. I am in love with the idea that I will become someone else, a new version of me when I become a mother and am looking forward to all that I will gain from it.

13. Focus on what you can control, and only that.

I’m a planner, and plans are always written down, on paper, in ink. Not erasable, and crystal clear. Life though doesn’t always get the memo, and sad things happen that surprise you by morphing into wonderful lessons on patience and strength.

14. Lighten up, and don’t take yourself so seriously.

It’s ok to be silly, it’s ok to joke around and have a funny conversation just because and not because it’s tied to a specific goal. Breathe, live and enjoy.

15. Every person has a story.

It’s complicated and raw, it has hardships and it has beauty. It seems easy to some, and impossible to others. But they are all real and they are all special and they all have meaning.

16. The world will only change when you do.

Complaining and sharing depressing news about the state of the world on social media won’t get us anywhere. If there’s something you want changed, you want people to be kinder, more giving, more self less, more trustworthy, then you have to start with yourself. Change yourself and you can change the world.

17. Finances are something to get educated about.

How I wish finances were a topic in high-school, in middle school even, and it should be mandatory for every college student to take a course in. For someone who has a slight anxiety issue when it comes to money, the only way I was able to have peace of mind was when we got our finances in order. There is endless information on the internet but for the most part this statement rings true: “Don’t spend what you don’t have, and give every dollar a job.”

18. Vacation and let loose.

Take time for yourself and your relationship. Disconnect and unwind. Do nothing for 3 days and lounge in your PJs, no matter the style of vacationing you prefer. Make the time, give it importance because these are moments our soul needs to reset.

19. Smiles are powerful.

A stranger on the street, someone passing you on the hallway. Smiling makes people’s lives better. They can save lives, they can make invisible people seen. They have power we do not understand.

20. Learn more life lessons

Be a sponge, learn from everyone, gather inspiration from the world. Teach yourself about life.

21. Gratefulness is key in attracting good things in life.

The law of attraction, have you heard of it? Well did you know it works just as well if we complain and think negative thoughts? We’ll just have more of that, which nobody wants. Instead we need to focus on being grateful for all we have, every day, every moment. When we practice this every day we will see the things we are grateful for will multiply!

22 People deserve a second chance.

People have wronged me, they’ve been cruel, and horrible. They could be family, they could be friends, either way. Bless and release. If they care enough to try again, to rekindle what was there, and you feel safe in doing so, people deserve another chance. You may be surprised with who they’ve become!

23. I will never escape stress.

Stress is felt by everyone in many different ways, and accepting that it’s something that will morph and grow with me is something I have learned to understand. Management of stress and understanding how it manifests are all topics to learn more about and knowing that just because you don’t ‘feel’ stressed doesn’t mean you aren’t. Sometimes it is reflected in a weak body part or muscle.

24. Your passion is everything.

Find what you are passionate about and when you find a way to do that every day, the amount of happiness and joy it will bring into your life will be incredible and noticed by all.

25. Minimalism is the key to many issues.

Buy less things, accumulate less things, spend money on experiences. Collect memories. Live freely.

26. Family is more than blood.

Sometimes you find family along the way.

27. I am enough.

I need only be who I want to be. There is just one person who can be me, and it’s me. I am intelligent, honest and caring. I am my friend, and I am enough.

27 Life lessons. In 27 years. If I live to be 100, I’ll have learned 73 more. Ooof, long way to go! So much to experience, so much to learn.

Much love,

Mariangelica

 

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Writing Prompt: You are blessed with super powers that you use to save the world almost every week. However, being a super human does not pay the bills. Describe what life is like for a super human blue-collar worker.

“Move Andy!” I yelled, sticking my head out of my forklift. Didn’t he see I needed to get under them? “Sorry sorry!” he said as he moved aside, probably swearing at me under his breath. New people were always the worst. A few more trips and we had successfully unloaded the truck. “Sorry about earlier, you coming to lunch with us?” Andy was nice, but god was he an idiot. “No, thanks, I brought my own,” it was a lie, but he’d get the hint after some time, he wasn’t my type and plus, I wasn’t really the friend making type either. “Ok, that’s cool, next time!” he left with a wave and I heard the heavy boots of my coworkers file out of the warehouse. Carefully I got out of the forklift. Last night had been especially taxing on my head and laying down to sleep had been nearly impossible as my migraine decided to stab me repeatedly in the temples anytime I was found horizontal. Even little movements triggered it. Coffee was a thing I liked, maybe that would help, though I decided to make a mental note to refill my painkiller prescription. I made it to the small kitchen, headed for the coffee.

“Hi Alex!” It was overly loud and overly friendly and I wanted nothing to do with it, but Macy was here too with her sidekick, Heather. They worked in the HR department but somehow always ended up using our tiny kitchen. They said we had better coffee. I knew it was to look at the men as they went to lunch, their perverted private parade. Manual labour usually went hand in hand with good looking bodies. By the way, who names their kid Heather? Also, my name is Alexandra, Alex is reserved for my handful of sort-of friends and my father who never liked my full name but gave into mom’s choice because well, he watched my mother birth me and thought heck, she can name her whatever the fuck she wants. I didn’t say any of this though, “Hi Macy, Heather,” I nodded towards the other.

“Did you see the cover story today? Some guy was killed on 56th by that old apartment building, you know the one with the odd looking door? They came out with a photo of the suspect, it’s all over the internet. I don’t know how this stuff gets printed, I mean, look at the photo it’s totally messed with, and a girl her size is somehow able to kill THAT guy?!” She pushed the newspaper so close to my face there was no way my eyes could focus. I took it, worried for a split second, but sure I covered up well. It was blurry, a shaking on looker from their window with maximum zoom most likely. It was taken in the alley, the now very much dead guy was hovering above ground and was pinned against the brickwall by absolutely nothing, I stood below him, obviously all my attention was on him, it took so much effort the heavier an object was. I wore my red outfit yesterday and I hadn’t yet seen myself from this angle but I liked what I saw, if anything, my butt looked good. I quickly wondered if Chase had seen this yet, he probably had, it made me smile.

“Funny right? That’s what I’m saying I mean come on! Heather what do you think? Either way, this man is dead and that’s like super messed up, It’s not like it’s a great neighbourhood, guy was probably into drugs or something.”

I rolled my eyes and poured myself a cup of coffee. Not sure how long ago the pot had been made but also not caring. My head was going to explode if I didn’t do something. I leaned into the counter after a long sip and closed my eyes, my back to the women who continued to hypothesize on the background of the dead guy. I let the coffee run through my body and I exhaled, like an addict getting their fix. He hadn’t been into drugs Macy, he had been into much worse… that sick twisted son of a bitch.

I left the women while they spoke animatedly on the subject and made my way back down the oddly quiet warehouse aisle. The workers were gone, it was my favourite part of the day. My forklift was my safe place, and in a few steps I climbed in. I went to look for the key but quickly noticed a flower by the foot pedal, and a note attached to it.

490 Kingswood St / Royal Jewelers / 2 hostages / be there at 3
I have pain killers.
PS: Wear the black one, it’s my favourite.
-Chase

I downed my coffee, sure it burned something on its way down, and made my way to the change room to grab my duffle bag.

Pain killers and Chase, only a few of my favourite things.

This is part of the Writing Prompt Series Announced in this post.

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