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the second trimester

A collection of passages from various journal entries during the second trimester.

3 months

  • “Sometimes the fear still creeps in. I sill see myself having to tell everyone we lost the baby, but then I push those thoughts away.”
  • “Yesterday was good, I was able to eat a few things, and cooking has been happening a little more at home. I started to get anxious and worried in the evening when I continued to feel good. I tried to push the thoughts away but it was hard work. We went to the midwife appointment and heard it, for the first time. The baby’s little heart beat. Strong and fast. It was unreal. We were quiet, we just listened, I didn’t want it to end.”

 

4 months

  • “Honestly I don’t know how we got here, but then I do, one day at a time. There is an avocado sized baby inside me, it blows my mind. No one can tell because all the vomiting has kept my stomach flatter than ever before. But we heard the heartbeat, they are really in there!”
  • “I turn 28 soon. It feels crazy to me because I’ve generally disliked my birthdays and the idea of getting a year older, but being so close to 30 I figured i’d be having some mental breakdown haha. Suddenly though, my view has changed. I’ve been able to enjoy all these years in my 20s to the max. I have moved ahead in my career and have spent so much quality time with my husband. We’ve enjoyed all these years of it being just us and Congo and it has been amazing. We’ve done crazy things and seen the world. None of this has to change of course, and heck, there’s still TWO long full years ahead in my 20s, but my 30s now look so exciting.”
  • “I am full of gratefulness for all of the wonderful things in my life. I am grateful to be pregnant in this moment, for not wanting for anything but the healthy baby boy or girl to come join us in this life. I am overjoyed in happiness daily. I thank God, above all.”
  • “I am grateful for this moment in our lives, for the life growing inside me.”
  • “I am hopeful that those that continue to hope and pray for a child will be blessed with one.”
  • “Fear will not allow me to do what I know I am able to do, so I refuse it and prohibit it from coming anywhere near my pregnancy and birth.”

 

5 months

  • “I am starting to fall in love with this tiny belly of mine. It’s taking a little bit of shape, but overall it’s small and still most people at work don’t know. But it’s the way my body is shaped, it’s the way it’s growing this little baby and honestly as long as they are healthy there is no need to worry about whether my belly is round or flat at this moment.”
  • “I think I felt the baby move, but I can’t be sure, it’s not like I know what that would feel like… I had just eaten so I wasn’t sure if it had just been my stomach processing food but it felt like a rolling motion. We’ll have to wait and see!”
  • “We started setting up the nursery! Moved the home office to a different room and things are taking shape!”

 

6 months

  • “This little guy has been so active lately! The feeling is surreal and amazing. Feeling him move catches me by surprise and instantly makes me smile.”
  • “I have been feeling so good now! I’m still in my regular jeans and regular clothes, but I can see the roundness will be coming soon!”
  • “I haven’t thrown up in a few days so that’s been incredible. I haven’t had the energy to work out throughout this pregnancy, mostly the vomiting and lack of food has kept me from it, but I can see I have the energy now, so I’m excited to make that happen in the near future.”
  • “Finally picked up all the big items we needed, like a stroller, crib, car seat etc and we’re waiting for them to be delivered. It’s feeling so real!”

 

“My darling baby boy, we lost your brother or sister one month before you showed up. Reading back the entries of my journal I realize how fragile you are, and have been this whole time. You too were the size of an orange seed once… and it’s wild to think you’re as big as a bunch of kale now. You’re huge little one! Your kicks made my tummy move last night for the first time and I sat there, staring at the little bumps you made in awe of your strength. You are amazing, strong and so incredibly loved. The entries of my journal count back all the days with you, and I smile at the relief and celebration of making it another day together. Look how far we’ve come my love, one day at a time has led us here, to week 27, the last week of this wild and incredible second trimester. 91 days to go, already on the double digits and I’m ready to meet you. Yes, our lives will change more than we know but I’m ready for it all.

Love you always,

Mom.”

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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The sun was shining yesterday! Enough that you could actually feel the warmth on your skin. It’s exciting, the sun finally warming something up again. The snow melting its way into puddles and small mounds on street corners. It’s like change is coming, and every day is different from the last.

It’s slowly hitting me how quickly time is passing. Maybe it’s my daily changing body, maybe it’s the fact that i’m no longer throwing up every day so days are starting to blend together. Maybe it’s the weather and the snow and the fact my thermostat is getting closer to matching the temperature outside. Whatever the case, I’m 5 months pregnant.

5 months.

That’s more than I’ve ever been pregnant before. It’s a miracle, truly. Every morning I see my reflection in the mirror and I’m growing more in love with my changing silhouette by the day. It’s looking rounder, different, and I’ve never felt this way so consistently, day after day. Everyday I am in awe of what my body is doing. How it’s taking a little being and turning them into a tiny human who now is as long as a banana.

We have our ultrasound this morning and i’m excited, and for the first time going into the ultrasound room, not scared. I know the little baby is in there and not just because I threw up three times in the office bathroom yesterday after trying to eat a pear, followed by a banana smoothie. I know they’re in there because I feel them there. I know they are curled up all comfy in their favourite spot, and it could have been nothing, or it could have been everything but i felt something move inside me. It caught me so off guard I couldn’t tell you I was sure it was the baby, but it was strong and it was like nothing else I’ve felt before. It made me eager for when their little feet and hands more consistently drum against my insides. I’m told I’m not going to love those kicks at night when I’m trying to sleep, or when they become strong enough to disrupt an activity, but I can’t see that happening. Similarly to how they told me I would hate morning sickness and it grew to be my good friend and anxiety protector. I’m ready to cherish all of it, and I’m eager for this next stage I’m about to enter as the countdown begins until we meet our beautiful little one.

There’s a lot I want to do, and there’s a lot I want to not do. For now, I’m trying to do more of the things I want to and removing myself as often as possible from situations I don’t want to be a part of! Time is your lifelong companion, and how you use it and value it eventually shapes you. So I’m conscious, and aware of this, but then at the same time sometimes I just say ah screw it and lay down on the couch with Netflix at my fingertips.

Balance y’all.

My word is balance.

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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We. Are. Pregnant.

Wow.

The photo says it all. Our excitement is uncontainable. I’m thrilled to be sharing the news publicly now. I’m excited to be able to talk about what these last three months of our lives have been like. It’s been a ride, that’s for sure.

It’s hard to talk about this pregnancy without talking about our two previous pregnancies. I’ve openly talked with people in my life about the two babies we lost, but when I’m ready I’ll be able to truly share and put words to what that was like, because I really do believe in openly talking about how difficult pregnancy can truly be for some of us and how common miscarriage is. The topic will continue to be tabooed if we shy away from sharing our experiences. I don’t need to say much more than state that it happened, and it is because of this history that many of my experiences as a pregnant woman now may differ from that of a first timer’s. There are many ways in which these losses coat my current experiences, and many ways in which they have allowed for very different and positive outlooks on many of the things that have happened so far.

There are so many moments over the past three months where I did not feel like myself. It’s easy for me to sum up the three months in a blur of overjoyed excitement mixed with overwhelming fear and anxiety. From the moment I saw the second line appear on that home pregnancy test I fell to the floor in an incredibly powerful realization of how blessed I was to get another chance. The joy hit me like a truck and filled my very being. The tears flowed like never before. Almost just as quickly, I felt my expression change into worry. What did this mean? How could I keep this one safe, was there anything I could do? The realization again of how frail life was and how removed I was from the position of control was terrifying.

Fear marked many of my first experiences, the first trip to the bathroom was terrifying, the first ultrasound visit that wasn’t related to a miscarriage was also terrifying, pretty soon I realized this was not fair. It wasn’t fair for the little human being that was taking shape inside of me nor was it fair to Christian or me. We made a very conscious decision to remove fear from our minds, and it’s not as easy as it sounds. Lots of personal work had to happen for this to eventually be replaced by the goal which was the feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Meditation, prayer, visualization and daily mantras have kept fear at bay. It’s not like it’s impossible for it to come back, it has and will continue to, but I have a process in place for changing the thinking patterns now, and gratefulness is always the counter to fear for me.

“I am grateful to be pregnant in this moment, I am grateful for the life inside of me and I know they are happy, healthy and comfortable.”

Over and over until nothing else can occupy my mind, let the fear pass.

Right around the time I hit six weeks, the nausea paid me a visit, and made itself very comfortable in my life. It was soon found out that I had something called “Severe Morning Sickness” and this is why I spent weeks on end vomiting about 8 times a day, at all times of the day.

Some days I barely remember being awake, visions of waking up and being half carried to the bathroom by Christian. Vomiting until the blood vessels in my face burst and I left the bathroom only to fall back into his arms. Faint attempts to eat a soda cracker or two.

Days when I would start a timer after eating to push myself to hold in what I ate for at least half an hour before the breathing exercises wouldn’t work anymore and I had to run to throw up. I think the longest I made it was 27 minutes, and I was proud of that.

Without fault though, after every trip to throw up, I gave thanks. Something was happening inside me, and this was my constant reminder, my constant alert that all was well, and I was still pregnant. The gratefulness I felt, and continue to feel has kept my spirits high.

After three weeks of barely surviving on vitamin water and soda crackers, I had lost nine pounds, I looked faint and weak, I could barely keep myself upright and even water was difficult to contain. I was trying to just handle it. And I felt like I couldn’t complain, I didn’t want to either. I’d wanted this for long enough, and it was here and now, I just had to roll with whatever came. I am very much aware of those families that are still in their journey to have their positive pregnancy test and I felt like complaining was the same thing as being ungrateful. Which is very much untrue, but I share in case someone else has ever felt this way. Christian urged me to phone my doctor who quickly prescribed medication due to the severity of what I was experiencing. “All pregnant women with nausea take this,” I got the pills and after some online research on them decided I would give it a try.

It’s crazy but my immediate thought was that I was cheating at this pregnancy thing. Taking medicine to make this ‘easier’? It felt like I wasn’t going to get to experience everything as it should be, like I was choosing the easy way out. Silly, in hindsight, but I remember even then being immediately shocked at how quickly the guilt came over me. I shook my head as I took the medicine and went to bed. Guilt is not something I want to be a part of my life, again, I’m not saying you should block feelings out but I can make the conscious choice to change them.

The next morning, I woke up and went to brush my teeth, it was mid-brush that I realized I didn’t wake up with the immediate need to vomit. Relief seems like the appropriate feeling at this point, but I felt none of it. Instead I froze, toothbrush in mouth, my eyes going wide and looking at my stomach’s reflection. Why wasn’t I feeling sick, why wasn’t I throwing up, did something happen to the baby? Had something gone terribly wrong? The next hour was brutal as I worked really hard to rid myself of these thoughts. It’s the medicine, it’s working, that’s all. But I immediately thought, there’s no way I can take this medicine again, the anxiety it gave me was not worth the relief from the vomiting, throwing up had become my cue that all was well, taking it away was not going to work for me. But I couldn’t even make it to work, I still had to function. The debate was strong and didn’t last long because soon enough I was overcome with nausea and had to rush to throw up. My eyes stayed closed at the end as I gave thanks again and my heart starting beating at a normal pace.

I’ve come far since then, I now take four of those pills a day and still throw up regularly though my average has gone down to threeish times a day, thanks to the medication. It’s still been insane and some days are worse than others in terms of how little food I’m able to hold in but I’m just past the three month mark (14 weeks today!), we now wait and see if this gets a little less pronounced and allows me to focus on eating regular meals, eating vegetables and good stuff more often.

Today we live in gratitude and happiness. Sure, there are moments when we falter, but for the most part we have found balance. For now, we are grateful for each day we get. It’s a new day, baby is still here with us and there’s so much joy in just that simple thought. Christian has always been the biggest love of my life but the love I feel for him has expanded to new levels as I’ve seen him care for me day in and day out. His constant support in rubbing my back when I’m throwing up, always getting my pills, encouraging me to drink or eat throughout the day, just hugging me when I’ve been unable to keep anything in for days and making sure I never need to ask for anything. I’m grateful for him in my life, for all that he is. There is so much love in the small actions you do every day that they are so much more powerful than any grand gesture once a year ever could outdo.

Thank you for reading this far. Now we’re caught up.

Love, Mariangelica

 

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The human body is a wonder on all its own, don’t you think?

We have hands that can move and touch things, our fingertips can feel the textures before them. It’s so easy to forget, it’s so natural to take our bodies for granted. Holding hands helps transfer heat and warmth. An embrace can make us weak at the knees. And if we work at it, train it, and feed it well, our bodies can do incredible things and achieve the highest praise in sports and acrobatics. Our legs allow us to walk to new places whenever we wish and climb and jump. Our feet can feel blades of grass poking in between our toes, or dig themselves deeper into the cooler sand. Our stomach is wired and geared to help process anything we give it. Working tirelessly to extract what we need and purge what we don’t.

What’s most wonderful and awe-ing to me is our brains and hearts. Our minds, so full of wonder and light as babes and so complex and misunderstood at other times. Our brain allows us to find logical answers to everyday puzzles and problems that arise. It helps us decide between right and wrong, it allows us to come up with individualistic and unique thoughts. It reminds us of our past and the lessons we have learned from it. Our brains gather information and allow us to dream, to plan in advance, to shoot for the stars.

Our hearts distribute the correct amount of blood to all our organs, think about that! It’s a machine of insane power that defines if we live or if we don’t. A heartbeat, unique and special. From the moment the first ultrasound picks it up our heartbeats provide comfort to all those around us and to the woman that carries us for it means that we are living. Then there are emotions that we attach to the heart because of how it affects our heartbeat, because of how it changes in the face of the love of our lives, and family, and that thing you fear most. Love, a chemical reaction. Fear and Worry which steal our heartbeats. Excitement and Surprise that lift our mood and changes our routine.

These bodies we get to call our own are our home, they are the shelter of our soul. They allow us to experience life in our very own way. We get one body in this life, and it grows and develops inside of another human body. Talk about a miracle. Talk about the most magical experience. Carrying life. Every minute, knowing a new tiny human is growing inside. Knowing that everything you do and put into your body will make its way to them. Seeing for the first time how wonderful a woman’s body is, for it can grow LIFE. Your perspective on life changes, and will continue to, through birth, through the early years and forevermore.

Every person’s life has different chapters, and some have chapters they are missing from their story. Some families yearn to get pregnant and struggle through infertility and invasive treatments to be able to grow life. Others have gotten pregnant, had their world changed and then had it changed again when they suffered a loss. Others have had babies that are now gone. There are many other chapters, I don’t know them all but if any one of these is you, know I’m thinking of you. Through this holiday you may feel many negative emotions, it may be hard, and I want to send you a big and warm hug and tell you I’m sorry you are going or have gone through this. I’m sorry you have to watch another Mother’s day go by without your little one, and I hope that you get all that your heart desires. IVF finally works, ClearBlue tells you, YES, or the adoption application goes through.

The human body is a magical mysterious and wonderful thing we have the privilege of owning. Some are different than others, some work in slightly different ways, but regardless of it all. I hope that today you can thank your body for all that it is. Your constant vehicle through this life. Your friend and partner in crime. Something you can’t very well live without. And I hope that it sparks some thinking as to how you treat it, and talk about it, move it and feed it. I hope you think about how you feel when you catch its reflection. Is it with loathing and disappointment or is it with gratefulness and a promise to do right by it. To care and nurture it. To treat it and talk about it like you would your best friend.

Mother’s Day means many things to me, but in my personal journey, it’s a constant reminder to be grateful for my body. To forgive it for what it has or hasn’t done. To be grateful for what it can do, for what it can become, and for what I know deep in my being that it will provide.

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