I gave birth, and what a magical experience it was. I loved it, I can’t wait to do it again. I love how in control I was. I love how I handled all those hours of surges. I love how supportive Christian was the entire time. I love that my mom was there to witness it. I love that Eli came into this world healthy, and well, and perfect.
Having a baby has changed me completely. In every way imaginable, and all for the positive. I have become more sure of who I am, more grounded, and more willing to say no to things in my life that drain me because it will ultimately affect him in some way.
I love him, my baby. More than life itself, more than any word in this language or others could let me describe. I am tethered, we are one. I cannot exists without him. He is incredible. I have loved him since the first time. Because it was always him. He tried to join us a couple times and finally, everything was perfectly aligned for him to make his entrance.
We are parents. We have a son. So many words that have so much meaning now. It’s been an incredible 5 months with him on the outside. I love what my life has morphed into, who I am morphing into. Not much else to say on the matter. This is love in its rawest form.
Have you ever had one of those really vivid dreams? The ones that when you wake you don’t really know if you’re still dreaming. My experiences with dreaming are pretty unique: from lucid dreaming, to astral projections, traveling and the like, don’t worry, I won’t scare you with my stories, that’s not what this post is about.
Last night I had one of the most beautiful dreams I have ever had. The sun shone brightly above though I never once looked up at it. The rays punctured my skin with that playful and loving heat. There was little wind but I could smell her scent. A most beautiful one. She had long black hair and fairly tanned skin. Her fingers were so tiny and were wrapped around two of mine. As we walked on the small path surrounded by tall and thin wild grass, she hummed to herself, a tune all of her own. She had flowers in her hair and wore an ivory dress. Both of us were barefoot and it brought back memories of my wedding day. Sharing vows barefoot, letting ourselves connect to nature in the best way possible: with blades of cool grass slipping through our toes. My mind was back to her. I don’t know if we lived in this beautiful forest or if we were just visiting; but it felt like home. I felt like this is where we belonged and that there was no reason at all to leave. I don’t remember what I wore. I don’t think that I took notice. My eyes were fixed on her, she was so perfect so amazing and so incredible. To think that a human can create another little pretty human is still such a wonder to me.
As we walked I noticed a rock come into view. She raised her arms towards me and i was struck by her eyes, so big and round. Without thinking I helped her with ease. She was so light. As she stood, she stated that she was at eye-level with me we gazed each other’s eyes. She had tiny little freckles by her left eye and a smile that could likely hypnotize anyone. She begun telling a story about a baby deer. I can’t remember her little speech word for word, but she wanted the baby deer to be her pet. She had already named him. She continued to tell me about the baby animal and how she played with him. I listened intently, I wanted to hear every single word she had to say. I wanted to see how her lips moved, where she put the accent in her words, and how she pronounced certain words. She had a hard time making the “C” sound. This lovely creature that in my dreams I created.
When I woke up, for an instant, just an instant I thought I was in the forest. The sun peeks through my window and hits me straight in the face, it’s how I wake up. Some people would hate waking up to such shocking brightness, but I love looking into the sun warming my face every morning. I came to be and I realized it had all been a dream. The most perfect and beautiful dream I had ever had. Who really knows if it wasn’t some other magical dimension that I just got a little glimpse of. Maybe somewhere, sometime, I did walk in the fields with my young daughter with her tiny perfect fingers wrapped around mine. I hope that we continue to visit that forest and share in the small moments like that. Full of life and attentive to one another with nothing else to distract us. For now I will wait for her in this dimension, for when she’s ready to visit me and be part of this life. Until then, I love you sweet child.