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the second trimester

A collection of passages from various journal entries during the second trimester.

3 months

  • “Sometimes the fear still creeps in. I sill see myself having to tell everyone we lost the baby, but then I push those thoughts away.”
  • “Yesterday was good, I was able to eat a few things, and cooking has been happening a little more at home. I started to get anxious and worried in the evening when I continued to feel good. I tried to push the thoughts away but it was hard work. We went to the midwife appointment and heard it, for the first time. The baby’s little heart beat. Strong and fast. It was unreal. We were quiet, we just listened, I didn’t want it to end.”

 

4 months

  • “Honestly I don’t know how we got here, but then I do, one day at a time. There is an avocado sized baby inside me, it blows my mind. No one can tell because all the vomiting has kept my stomach flatter than ever before. But we heard the heartbeat, they are really in there!”
  • “I turn 28 soon. It feels crazy to me because I’ve generally disliked my birthdays and the idea of getting a year older, but being so close to 30 I figured i’d be having some mental breakdown haha. Suddenly though, my view has changed. I’ve been able to enjoy all these years in my 20s to the max. I have moved ahead in my career and have spent so much quality time with my husband. We’ve enjoyed all these years of it being just us and Congo and it has been amazing. We’ve done crazy things and seen the world. None of this has to change of course, and heck, there’s still TWO long full years ahead in my 20s, but my 30s now look so exciting.”
  • “I am full of gratefulness for all of the wonderful things in my life. I am grateful to be pregnant in this moment, for not wanting for anything but the healthy baby boy or girl to come join us in this life. I am overjoyed in happiness daily. I thank God, above all.”
  • “I am grateful for this moment in our lives, for the life growing inside me.”
  • “I am hopeful that those that continue to hope and pray for a child will be blessed with one.”
  • “Fear will not allow me to do what I know I am able to do, so I refuse it and prohibit it from coming anywhere near my pregnancy and birth.”

 

5 months

  • “I am starting to fall in love with this tiny belly of mine. It’s taking a little bit of shape, but overall it’s small and still most people at work don’t know. But it’s the way my body is shaped, it’s the way it’s growing this little baby and honestly as long as they are healthy there is no need to worry about whether my belly is round or flat at this moment.”
  • “I think I felt the baby move, but I can’t be sure, it’s not like I know what that would feel like… I had just eaten so I wasn’t sure if it had just been my stomach processing food but it felt like a rolling motion. We’ll have to wait and see!”
  • “We started setting up the nursery! Moved the home office to a different room and things are taking shape!”

 

6 months

  • “This little guy has been so active lately! The feeling is surreal and amazing. Feeling him move catches me by surprise and instantly makes me smile.”
  • “I have been feeling so good now! I’m still in my regular jeans and regular clothes, but I can see the roundness will be coming soon!”
  • “I haven’t thrown up in a few days so that’s been incredible. I haven’t had the energy to work out throughout this pregnancy, mostly the vomiting and lack of food has kept me from it, but I can see I have the energy now, so I’m excited to make that happen in the near future.”
  • “Finally picked up all the big items we needed, like a stroller, crib, car seat etc and we’re waiting for them to be delivered. It’s feeling so real!”

 

“My darling baby boy, we lost your brother or sister one month before you showed up. Reading back the entries of my journal I realize how fragile you are, and have been this whole time. You too were the size of an orange seed once… and it’s wild to think you’re as big as a bunch of kale now. You’re huge little one! Your kicks made my tummy move last night for the first time and I sat there, staring at the little bumps you made in awe of your strength. You are amazing, strong and so incredibly loved. The entries of my journal count back all the days with you, and I smile at the relief and celebration of making it another day together. Look how far we’ve come my love, one day at a time has led us here, to week 27, the last week of this wild and incredible second trimester. 91 days to go, already on the double digits and I’m ready to meet you. Yes, our lives will change more than we know but I’m ready for it all.

Love you always,

Mom.”

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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Best Nine Memories from July

What can I say? July was full of ups and downs. Still though, since I write these as the new month starts I can tell you progress has been made.

One

We’re just a month away from hitting our one year mark in our home and since we’ve been here we’ve very much dedicated our time to the first floor. It’s gotten the most love as it’s where we mostly hang out and where we entertain, but over the past little while, I have been lacking in a peaceful feeling when going to bed. Organization is key, but let’s be honest, we don’t put our clothes away right after it comes out of the dryer, it may linger around for a couple days until we have a giant pile that we sort through. But during those in between days we’re in this constant movement of objects on and off the bed, a lack of order and a place for things made me feel like we’d never make progress. The colours were also so dark that it was hard to feel light and airy. Without thinking much more about it we sold the bed frame, moved out unnecessary furniture, and added a couple new fresh wooden pieces that immediately lifted the place up from its darkness. Now we feel so calm going to bed, draped in white and surrounded by so much less. Also, we’ve been very good about folding the laundry right away!

Two

Our wedding anniversary always stretches into July because of Canada Day and there always being a long weekend which we love. We starting the weekend with hitting some softballs at the range! Catching a midday movie and eating so much sushi. The rest of the weekend had us going to the beach and sleeping under the sun. Playing in the water and then sleeping some more. Some board games to close off the long week with mom and Kike was the perfect way to get back into regular life and back to another work week.

Three

I’ve been a workout from home type of girl for many years now. I found that I wanted to switch things up a bit. My mental health beat me down this month and those home workouts were not getting done, adding to the guilt and horrible feelings I was going through. I figured getting out of the house and making a monetary commitment would push me to break away from this lack of activity and it sure has. I just bought 10 one hour sessions with a martial arts trainer who has been kicking my ass. She leaves me breathless and sprawled on the floor in disbelief it’s over but also feeling so energized, strong, and proud of what I just accomplished. After seeing her for a couple weeks I started working out at home, and slowly my motivation has been coming back.

Four

It’s kind of cool how organically and easily your family grows. For many immigrants with little to no blood family around you create this wonderful chosen family. Sure, some of it comes through marriages and children, but it’s kind of wonderful how easily close friends become part of the ‘family club’. Our Latin roots pull us close and the shared pain and history of leaving our loved ones behind keep us leaning on one another. We had a wonderful day at the park with lots of our family. It was a huge event with the typical mountains of food and adorable babies, though this time they featured cute swimming suits to play at the splash pad! Lawn games, good chats and sharing together was a great reminder how many great people we have close.

Five

So, have you heard of Zombies Run? It’s an award winning app that has an incredible story line and incredible voice actors. As you run you get to hear parts of the story, where you’re a key part! You collect items to help the township continue to survive the Zombie outbreak. It’s actually quite entertaining, and a huge motivator to get out there running, jogging or walking, but boy can it be creepy. The sounds of zombies in your ears means you have to run faster or they’ll catch you, and if you manage to hold them off you’ll evade them. I was so motivated I went on two runs on the same day! When you’re having a rough month when it comes to motivation you have to use it up as soon as you get it!

Six

Camping. We thought we’d give it another try. Happy we did, because now we really know we don’t enjoy it 🙂 We had an amazing time hanging out with my closest girls and their husbands, but we had another guest… mosquitos. Hundreds of them. And I’m not exaggerating because Azra had like over 80 bites so… The beach times were great, and talking and sharing with them was wonderful, it always is, no matter where we are. Though sadly, this time we were outside haha. It’s actually quite shocking that we dislike camping that much, so we got right down to it and realized it’s not the sleeping in tents, that part is so nice, and it’s not the fact you have to cook things over a fire, it forces you to slow down which is a great thing to be forced to do. It’s the damn bugs! Who knows… Maybe a fall time camping experience is still in the books and who knows, we may love it! I have my doubts though… The best part of the trip was celebrating some wonderful news we got from our friends, so if there was something to highlight from that trip it was how happy we all were!

Seven

When Sofia, my niece, was a few days old we spent the night with her. (This is also why we pushed off having kids… hahah) but in all seriousness, looking at that tiny human being, it would have been impossible to realize how much more you could love her. As she has gotten older and talks about everything and anything we’ve been able to get to know the special little girl we love so much. Stealing her away to go for ice cream was a nice treat but it also made me think about all the future moments I can’t even imagine that we’ll get to share together. What a joy it is to be an aunt.

Eight

We had a wonderful day visiting Grandma Carmen. Christian’s grandma has Alzheimer’s, the same disease that eventually took the life of my paternal grandmother. I never got to be with my grandma during her illness as she lived in Colombia and soon grew nervous and scared when video skyping with people as she couldn’t recognize us or understand how we were inside a little metal box. I’m grateful for the memories I made with Grandma Carmen. I know how funny she was and she still manages to be! We loved hugging her and getting her to dance and clap along with her childhood tunes. So much love for this old lady.

Nine

This is supposed to be a ‘best memories’ recap. And I will say, this month it was hard to see anything as the best of anything. Days blurred together. My motivation hit the lowest of lows. I struggled with feelings of worthlessness, failure and an overwhelming cloud of sadness. With how much I have learned and read about these things I thought I could fight it off, I thought it would be like a bad cold. I’d be down for a few days and then bounce back up after some long naps. But those naps became all I wanted to do. It’s been an incredibly challenging mental month. I’ve got a road of work ahead of me, I know it. It’s not going to be easy, and right now, everything seems very dark. I felt like I needed to write this blurb to keep this as a part of my history for the month. The goal of these recaps is to be able to have them to look back on and remind myself of how many wonderful moments I was able to experience. Although this is a hard moment, it’s something I hope future me can look back on and feel like a whole new person.

In July I was grateful for…

  • Having a long weekend to celebrate our anniversary, every year haha.
  • Dressing up our room to make it feel very relaxed and calm.
  • Apples and cinnamon. All day every day.
  • Meeting with a nutritionist to figure out why I get bloated so often.
  • Seeing my body get toned.
  • Softball. A work in progress.
  • Being surprised with another day off and going on two runs that same day.
  • Starting with a personal trainer to help push me beyond my comfort level.
  • Although I struggled a lot with my mental health this month, many friends and family were there to support me, I’m grateful for them and the impact they have in my life.
  • Packing up for vacation with friends.
  • Friends who are fun and silly and love having a good time.
  • Bug Spray.
  • Sweaters.
  • Costco food shopping.
  • Grateful kike got to go visit Daniel and Michelle in BC.
  • Making crafty things to help keep my motivation up.
  • Christian for his endless support and his help during a very hard month mentally.
  • Having the fitbit to keep me accountable and competitive even on days I didn’t want to move.
  • Sofia being adorable and old enough to take out to ice cream dates.
  • Visiting Christian’s grandma and seeing her light up at the sounds of her childhood music.
  • Pool day at a friend’s house and fun times with board game people.
  • Wearing a headband and not hating it.
  • Finding a positive way to look at my constant failures at hitting the ball with a bat.
  • Spikes in motivation that help pull me from moments of inexplicable sadness and defeat.
  • Congo being super photogenic.
  • Homecooked meals.
  • Beautiful views as we drive home and to work.
  • Surviving an Insanity workout.
  • Mango and Ice.

Look out for another Best Nine next month to hear all about August!

Mariangelica

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The human body is a wonder on all its own, don’t you think?

We have hands that can move and touch things, our fingertips can feel the textures before them. It’s so easy to forget, it’s so natural to take our bodies for granted. Holding hands helps transfer heat and warmth. An embrace can make us weak at the knees. And if we work at it, train it, and feed it well, our bodies can do incredible things and achieve the highest praise in sports and acrobatics. Our legs allow us to walk to new places whenever we wish and climb and jump. Our feet can feel blades of grass poking in between our toes, or dig themselves deeper into the cooler sand. Our stomach is wired and geared to help process anything we give it. Working tirelessly to extract what we need and purge what we don’t.

What’s most wonderful and awe-ing to me is our brains and hearts. Our minds, so full of wonder and light as babes and so complex and misunderstood at other times. Our brain allows us to find logical answers to everyday puzzles and problems that arise. It helps us decide between right and wrong, it allows us to come up with individualistic and unique thoughts. It reminds us of our past and the lessons we have learned from it. Our brains gather information and allow us to dream, to plan in advance, to shoot for the stars.

Our hearts distribute the correct amount of blood to all our organs, think about that! It’s a machine of insane power that defines if we live or if we don’t. A heartbeat, unique and special. From the moment the first ultrasound picks it up our heartbeats provide comfort to all those around us and to the woman that carries us for it means that we are living. Then there are emotions that we attach to the heart because of how it affects our heartbeat, because of how it changes in the face of the love of our lives, and family, and that thing you fear most. Love, a chemical reaction. Fear and Worry which steal our heartbeats. Excitement and Surprise that lift our mood and changes our routine.

These bodies we get to call our own are our home, they are the shelter of our soul. They allow us to experience life in our very own way. We get one body in this life, and it grows and develops inside of another human body. Talk about a miracle. Talk about the most magical experience. Carrying life. Every minute, knowing a new tiny human is growing inside. Knowing that everything you do and put into your body will make its way to them. Seeing for the first time how wonderful a woman’s body is, for it can grow LIFE. Your perspective on life changes, and will continue to, through birth, through the early years and forevermore.

Every person’s life has different chapters, and some have chapters they are missing from their story. Some families yearn to get pregnant and struggle through infertility and invasive treatments to be able to grow life. Others have gotten pregnant, had their world changed and then had it changed again when they suffered a loss. Others have had babies that are now gone. There are many other chapters, I don’t know them all but if any one of these is you, know I’m thinking of you. Through this holiday you may feel many negative emotions, it may be hard, and I want to send you a big and warm hug and tell you I’m sorry you are going or have gone through this. I’m sorry you have to watch another Mother’s day go by without your little one, and I hope that you get all that your heart desires. IVF finally works, ClearBlue tells you, YES, or the adoption application goes through.

The human body is a magical mysterious and wonderful thing we have the privilege of owning. Some are different than others, some work in slightly different ways, but regardless of it all. I hope that today you can thank your body for all that it is. Your constant vehicle through this life. Your friend and partner in crime. Something you can’t very well live without. And I hope that it sparks some thinking as to how you treat it, and talk about it, move it and feed it. I hope you think about how you feel when you catch its reflection. Is it with loathing and disappointment or is it with gratefulness and a promise to do right by it. To care and nurture it. To treat it and talk about it like you would your best friend.

Mother’s Day means many things to me, but in my personal journey, it’s a constant reminder to be grateful for my body. To forgive it for what it has or hasn’t done. To be grateful for what it can do, for what it can become, and for what I know deep in my being that it will provide.

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