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We. Are. Pregnant.

Wow.

The photo says it all. Our excitement is uncontainable. I’m thrilled to be sharing the news publicly now. I’m excited to be able to talk about what these last three months of our lives have been like. It’s been a ride, that’s for sure.

It’s hard to talk about this pregnancy without talking about our two previous pregnancies. I’ve openly talked with people in my life about the two babies we lost, but when I’m ready I’ll be able to truly share and put words to what that was like, because I really do believe in openly talking about how difficult pregnancy can truly be for some of us and how common miscarriage is. The topic will continue to be tabooed if we shy away from sharing our experiences. I don’t need to say much more than state that it happened, and it is because of this history that many of my experiences as a pregnant woman now may differ from that of a first timer’s. There are many ways in which these losses coat my current experiences, and many ways in which they have allowed for very different and positive outlooks on many of the things that have happened so far.

There are so many moments over the past three months where I did not feel like myself. It’s easy for me to sum up the three months in a blur of overjoyed excitement mixed with overwhelming fear and anxiety. From the moment I saw the second line appear on that home pregnancy test I fell to the floor in an incredibly powerful realization of how blessed I was to get another chance. The joy hit me like a truck and filled my very being. The tears flowed like never before. Almost just as quickly, I felt my expression change into worry. What did this mean? How could I keep this one safe, was there anything I could do? The realization again of how frail life was and how removed I was from the position of control was terrifying.

Fear marked many of my first experiences, the first trip to the bathroom was terrifying, the first ultrasound visit that wasn’t related to a miscarriage was also terrifying, pretty soon I realized this was not fair. It wasn’t fair for the little human being that was taking shape inside of me nor was it fair to Christian or me. We made a very conscious decision to remove fear from our minds, and it’s not as easy as it sounds. Lots of personal work had to happen for this to eventually be replaced by the goal which was the feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Meditation, prayer, visualization and daily mantras have kept fear at bay. It’s not like it’s impossible for it to come back, it has and will continue to, but I have a process in place for changing the thinking patterns now, and gratefulness is always the counter to fear for me.

“I am grateful to be pregnant in this moment, I am grateful for the life inside of me and I know they are happy, healthy and comfortable.”

Over and over until nothing else can occupy my mind, let the fear pass.

Right around the time I hit six weeks, the nausea paid me a visit, and made itself very comfortable in my life. It was soon found out that I had something called “Severe Morning Sickness” and this is why I spent weeks on end vomiting about 8 times a day, at all times of the day.

Some days I barely remember being awake, visions of waking up and being half carried to the bathroom by Christian. Vomiting until the blood vessels in my face burst and I left the bathroom only to fall back into his arms. Faint attempts to eat a soda cracker or two.

Days when I would start a timer after eating to push myself to hold in what I ate for at least half an hour before the breathing exercises wouldn’t work anymore and I had to run to throw up. I think the longest I made it was 27 minutes, and I was proud of that.

Without fault though, after every trip to throw up, I gave thanks. Something was happening inside me, and this was my constant reminder, my constant alert that all was well, and I was still pregnant. The gratefulness I felt, and continue to feel has kept my spirits high.

After three weeks of barely surviving on vitamin water and soda crackers, I had lost nine pounds, I looked faint and weak, I could barely keep myself upright and even water was difficult to contain. I was trying to just handle it. And I felt like I couldn’t complain, I didn’t want to either. I’d wanted this for long enough, and it was here and now, I just had to roll with whatever came. I am very much aware of those families that are still in their journey to have their positive pregnancy test and I felt like complaining was the same thing as being ungrateful. Which is very much untrue, but I share in case someone else has ever felt this way. Christian urged me to phone my doctor who quickly prescribed medication due to the severity of what I was experiencing. “All pregnant women with nausea take this,” I got the pills and after some online research on them decided I would give it a try.

It’s crazy but my immediate thought was that I was cheating at this pregnancy thing. Taking medicine to make this ‘easier’? It felt like I wasn’t going to get to experience everything as it should be, like I was choosing the easy way out. Silly, in hindsight, but I remember even then being immediately shocked at how quickly the guilt came over me. I shook my head as I took the medicine and went to bed. Guilt is not something I want to be a part of my life, again, I’m not saying you should block feelings out but I can make the conscious choice to change them.

The next morning, I woke up and went to brush my teeth, it was mid-brush that I realized I didn’t wake up with the immediate need to vomit. Relief seems like the appropriate feeling at this point, but I felt none of it. Instead I froze, toothbrush in mouth, my eyes going wide and looking at my stomach’s reflection. Why wasn’t I feeling sick, why wasn’t I throwing up, did something happen to the baby? Had something gone terribly wrong? The next hour was brutal as I worked really hard to rid myself of these thoughts. It’s the medicine, it’s working, that’s all. But I immediately thought, there’s no way I can take this medicine again, the anxiety it gave me was not worth the relief from the vomiting, throwing up had become my cue that all was well, taking it away was not going to work for me. But I couldn’t even make it to work, I still had to function. The debate was strong and didn’t last long because soon enough I was overcome with nausea and had to rush to throw up. My eyes stayed closed at the end as I gave thanks again and my heart starting beating at a normal pace.

I’ve come far since then, I now take four of those pills a day and still throw up regularly though my average has gone down to threeish times a day, thanks to the medication. It’s still been insane and some days are worse than others in terms of how little food I’m able to hold in but I’m just past the three month mark (14 weeks today!), we now wait and see if this gets a little less pronounced and allows me to focus on eating regular meals, eating vegetables and good stuff more often.

Today we live in gratitude and happiness. Sure, there are moments when we falter, but for the most part we have found balance. For now, we are grateful for each day we get. It’s a new day, baby is still here with us and there’s so much joy in just that simple thought. Christian has always been the biggest love of my life but the love I feel for him has expanded to new levels as I’ve seen him care for me day in and day out. His constant support in rubbing my back when I’m throwing up, always getting my pills, encouraging me to drink or eat throughout the day, just hugging me when I’ve been unable to keep anything in for days and making sure I never need to ask for anything. I’m grateful for him in my life, for all that he is. There is so much love in the small actions you do every day that they are so much more powerful than any grand gesture once a year ever could outdo.

Thank you for reading this far. Now we’re caught up.

Love, Mariangelica

 

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vegetarian, pescatarianVegan, Vegetarian, Lacto Vegetarian, Ovo Vegetarian, Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian, Pollotarian, Pescatarian, Raw, Rawtil4, Flexitarian.

Say that five times fast. You can learn more about what each of these are here. But the point is, wow. There are so many ways to label what we choose to put into our bodies. I’ve come to think about this topic because just this past March I hit 24 months of making a conscious decision as to the food I wanted to consume. My family isn’t vegetarian, or anywhere close to it. Back in March of 2015, we were a typical latin american family who gathered for parties and events to eat because really, we’re all there for the food, aren’t we?

Christian and I have this joke (but true story) we tell of one day early in our marriage when I got home to have my sweet husband tell me he had already made dinner. Steak! Yum. Oh and what else? No, just steak! We laugh about it now because of how much we have both grown and learned along the way. Food is something we experience many times a day, every day.

It is astonishing how little we used to think about it in the past. My mom always tried to get me to eat my veggies. I just wouldn’t budge and the colourful food was always left on my plate or I’d sneak it into one of my brother’s plates! Now as a married couple, cooking on our own, it didn’t seem so hard. Steak tastes good, pasta tastes good, extra cheesy hawaiian pizza with bacon tastes good. What is there to think about? Just follow your taste buds!

My sister though, who grew up elsewhere with her mom, was my first glimpse at a different way of eating. I also have a joke (but true story) I tell about how the first time I visited her in my teens I opened her cupboards to look for food and could only find what I called “rabbit food” Just seeds, and things in jars with gasp no labels?! And the fridge? A sea of mason jars with interestingly coloured things inside.

I walked over to the corner store purchased a loaf of white Wonderbread, a tub of margarine, Coca-Cola, and white cheese. Heading back up to her place with food, I put things away. But not after I made myself a nice grilled cheese sandwich with an ice cold coca cola to go with it. Food. I’m sure my sister was horrified, but she hid it well. While helping her with dinner I saw how she pulled out jars, seeds, some eggs, vegetables, and beans. No meat for this meal. How could something be a meal without meat? Instead, there were mushrooms and chickpeas and things I had always said I didn’t like, even when I hadn’t even given it a try. Typical teenager.

Through the years I continued to eat my way, with the additions that flourished when my mom made something delicious and then when I was done eating told me there had been carrots in it. Whatttt. Or when my yearly visits to Montreal to visit my sister would always end up in me trying something new that I actually liked. I didn’t try a pineapple or avocado until I was 20!

Somehow, somewhere, I started to think about food, and how there were all these things I never tried and assumed wouldn’t taste good. They were delicious, and interestingly, nutritious! If I look back, I think what I ate was never a concern because I wasn’t a large girl. I wasn’t overweight and didn’t look unhealthy. It’s a common mentality, and a wrong one, but regardless it is likely why food choices were not a common topic in my life.

In March of 2015, almost two years into our marriage, scrolling Netflix at home while waiting for my husband to come home from work I stumbled upon a documentary that changed my life. Forks Over Knives. I watched it in awe. I was horrified, alarmed, worried, interested, curious, and by the end, I was on my laptop researching many of the topics I had only just heard about for the first time in my life.

That very same day I decided to become Vegetarian. I just couldn’t unlearn what I had learned, I couldn’t unsee what I had seen. The numbers didn’t lie. Earlier in my life, I had seen those PETA videos, with the mistreatment of animals, and although I was horrified then, it didn’t make me stop eating meat. This though, data, information, and a new way of thinking for me made something happen, something click.

Originally, it came as a shock to most of my family. There were no vegetarians in our family, and it took a while for them to realize this was here to stay. “Oh, you don’t eat chicken either?” “Are you doing this to lose weight?” “You need protein, how are you going to get any protein if you don’t eat meat?” “This won’t last” “You need meat to be able to grow a healthy baby” “Think about the health of your future children” “Will your children eat meat?” “So what are you going to eat now? Salads forever?”

My mom came around quickly and to this day anytime we have an event or a gathering she’s always mindful to make something vegetarian, and to me, this is such an expression of love, love her for it. Naturally, Christian being the superstar he is supported me from day one and even made a plan to only eat meat if we were out with friends or out on an event but he would refrain from cooking it at home.

Through these last two years, he and I have learned more about food than in all the years of our lives prior. I have become obsessed with learning and trying. We have set foot in health food stores and regularly shop locally at farmer’s markets. I understand the value of food as a form of energy, health, and medicine. I have experienced incredible changes in energy, drive, motivation and positivity in my life. I had energy to begin exercising regularly, something I didn’t do often. I started helping other women in changing their life through the use of food and movement. I became passionate about helping others lead healthy lives, no matter if they ate meat or not.

Fish has been reintroduced into my diet in the last few months, and it’s actually interesting how natural this addition came back into my life. Through my research into things that I cared about, fish never made any appearances, thinking back, there were things in the first documentary I watched that I wasn’t following.

They spoke of the evils of anything that came from cow’s milk, yet although I don’t drink cow’s milk, I do consume cheese, butter and sometimes yogurt. They didn’t mention fish as a cause of many of the diseases and issues the documentary brought up yet I wasn’t eating it because it didn’t fall under the Vegetarian umbrella.

This was my lightbulb moment. In an age where we feel like we have to define ourselves to the world, labels help keep us in line and in check, because how hard would it be to explain that you’re not a vegan, but you don’t consume cow’s milk directly, and you are vegetarian, but you eat fish here and there, and you had that marshmallow during the campfire and yes it has gelatin, but… Do you see what’s happening?

The feeling to have to justify to your family, to the world, to yourself what you are is tiring and completely unnecessary. I have recently grown to understand that I am none of these labels. I choose to eat what brings me joy, and I choose to avoid some foods always or as often as I want to (looking at you gluten!)

So eat what you want to eat, but learn a thing or two about your food, whether you choose to care or not is up to you, but there’s nothing wrong with learning. I’ve been recently letting go of things that were bringing my life invisible stress and this issue had been one of them. I write on this blog for many reasons, but writing is one of my ways of getting my feelings out, and this is something I felt had to come out.

I’m happy doing me and to the person who judges or pokes fun at anyone for foods they put into their body, I simply feel sorry for you and wish for you to take a step back and rethink how to better add value to the world and to others, there are kinder ways of educating. Likewise, to those who choose to follow a strict diet and have your reasons as to why, know that not everyone is ready to change when you are, that everyone’s make up is different and although this has worked miracles for you, it may not be right for them and sometimes, just being an example to others of a healthy and happy life, how my sister was to me, does more to intrigue or help someone than flat out shaming or trying to convert everyone you meet to your way ever could.

You do you girl, label or no label.

Love,

Mariangelica

 

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It’s the month of love. Red roses, Hershey’s kisses and romantic gestures. It’s the month to fall madly in love for the first time, or the 100th time. It’s the month of cupid and love potions. It’s also my birthday month. This month, I want to say a few words to the girl who doesn’t love herself enough. To the girl who wishes she was someone else, or to the girl who doesn’t love who she sees in the mirror.

  • Love yourself enough to look at your reflection and give thanks for what you see, for your limbs and your fingers, for your eyes that are seeing and the way your body moves when you turn from side to side.
  • Love yourself enough to recognize what a unique and lovely person you are. How although you may be working on different aspects of your being, like being kinder, or more outspoken, love yourself enough, today.
  • Love yourself enough to be comfortable in front of that person that intimidates you. To feel equal to them and speak your mind confidently.
  • Love yourself enough to have a voice towards that cause you’re passionate about. Your passions keep you alive and soulful. Speak, for your voice is yearning to be heard.
  • Love yourself enough to move the body you have been blessed in this life with. To twirl it and groove it. To dance and spin and shake those hips to the beat. To sweat and get your heart pumping.
  • Love yourself enough to remove that which harms you. Be it a person, a situation, an addiction. Love your spirit, mind and body enough to let go of the chains around you and turn the other way.
  • Love yourself enough to tell that person how you feel. You deserve to be loved and cared for. You deserve happiness and to be with whoever your heart pulls you towards.
  • Love yourself even when you think you can’t. When the world is shattering before your eyes and you want nothing more than the pain to end. Be your own constant and care and love for yourself, fully.
  • Love yourself enough to take your health into your own hands. To get educated about where your food comes from. To finally make a change for the better and stick to it. To stop the emotional eating and the addiction to sugar.
  • Love yourself, it’s not simple, but its not difficult. You got this!

Love always,

Mariangelica

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