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the first miscarriage

We got pregnant after one try, it was kind of crazy that way. We were a family of four counting Congo for 10 weeks before the bleeding started one morning, it was faint, barely there, but fear set in and burrowed a home in my stomach. We called the midwife and she said to monitor it, but not to be alarmed, bleeding could happen in a healthy pregnancy. I don’t know the order of events, it feels like a terrible dream. My mind was a blur of thoughts, how could I focus when my body was potentially failing me? When the bleeding got heavier and the blood tests confirmed the HCG hormone had risen but not by the amount it should have, my heart knew. I was losing my first baby. He was leaving me and there was nothing I could do about it. We had already shared 11 weeks together, there was this special bond we had created. Christian kissed my belly every morning and I talked to this little baby every day on my way to work. I loved him deeply and my due date was already in my calendar. My baby, my very first baby. I remember crying for hours in bed one morning. The bleeding was so heavy, the pain in my abdomen was settling in, making it all the more real for me. Christian cried with me but also urged us to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to, I knew what they would say, it would be too final, it would make it all real. But I was weak and nothing made sense to me, so I agreed. We rode with red faces and upon getting a room they asked me to put on a hospital gown. I wore it with one of Christian’s sweaters over top. It was bright yellow. We waited there and he held my hand. I remember being numb. Tears somehow kept forming in my eyes, and the thoughts we a mixture of faint Whys and Maybe it’s all ok. When they gave us the news that the baby was no longer inside of me my world fell apart. There could be no deeper pain, no stronger raw world shaking pain that could exist. A knife dug in deep into my chest, the lack of air in my lungs suffocated me, nothing could make this moment less painful and there was nothing I could do to change it. He was gone, my baby boy was gone. We never knew his gender, but a part of me always thought of him as a he, so a he he stayed.

The feelings of losing someone set in like they do. One after the other..

SHOCK & DENIAL

There was a numbness, that came the days after, only Christian and anyone who has gone through something similar can understand. I felt hollow, like the best part of me had been viciously ripped out. An empty shell with nothing left inside of me. Like a black hole lay where my baby used to be. It felt surreal, this wasn’t supposed to be a part of our story. This wasn’t how life is supposed to go, you get pregnant, you give birth, you live life with a baby, the baby breathes… everything was all wrong. Someone had messed up the order of life’s events, he was too little.

PAIN & GUILT

The knife sat lodged in my chest. It was constantly hard to breathe. The world felt like a scary place and I had lost all sense of control. Control, this illusion of something I had. Guilt took place over pain quickly. I needed someone to blame, and who better than me? It was my job wasn’t it? My job to bring this baby into the world, and I couldn’t do it. I failed at this one task and now he was gone. The guilt weighed heavy over me, hurting me daily. Just the word itself is hurtful. MISCARRIAGE, defined as an unsuccessful outcome of something planned – “the miscarriage of the project”. Words have power and although I tried not to dig into it too much, it just pointed to me. I failed in carrying this baby, and that was hard to swallow.

ANGER & BARGAINING

I am the woman. I was the one carrying this child of ours. How could my body fail me like this? Why did this happen to me? What terrible thing have I done to deserve this pain, to deserve this tragedy? Up to that point in my life I was at the healthiest I had ever been. I stayed away from alcohol for months before we even started trying, I ate regularly and healthy meals, I worked out almost every day. I was strong, I was ready. I did all the right things, I took all the right steps. HOW could this happen to ME? I saw a pregnant woman outside the mall, she was smoking. Why me? I saw a woman who was obese ignore her doctor’s recommendations and continue to consume large quantities of soft drinks and junk food carry her baby happily into the world. Why did I even try then? I saw pregnant women everywhere and wondered how I was different, what mistake I had made. It was unhealthy to think this way and I only know this now, but at the time, I felt angry with my body, with other pregnant women and with the world.

DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS

I became upset and sad that I had spent so much effort getting super healthy, to have my body be in the best shape for welcoming new life and seeing that at the end of the day it didn’t matter. I gained weight really fast, I ate pizza every other day because Why did it matter anyways… It was hard to talk about it as much as I wanted to, none of my closest friends could ever understand this loss, nor did I ever want them to have to understand. Mother’s day came around just over a month after our loss. By then the world had forgotten. It was one of the hardest days for me. I was supposed to be pregnant, celebrating the journey to motherhood on this special day. All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and wait for tomorrow, but family expectations meant we had to not only celebrate our moms, rightly so, they should be celebrated, but also plan the whole thing. I felt like it was the world’s cruel way of hurting me, plan a party for a dozen people to celebrate a day that was going to be yours too. My heart was so heavy and my sadness was so grand. This day, a reminder of what I was on the journey to becoming, or was I already a mother? I felt like a mother who had lost her child too early, a mother with a baby that didn’t get a chance to live in this world outside of my body, but a mother all the same, yet the world didn’t see me that way. Only Christian saw me as a Mother, and in the mail when I checked it that morning, I received a letter from my angel baby that Christian had written. It was the most touching, and the best mother’s day gift I could have received that day. The action will forever live in my heart. I braved the day. I put on a good face. I smiled and I laughed. I planned an obstacle course for all of us to warm up because the day turned out to be super cold and we were outside. Eventually we packed up and went home. I think Christian and I ate pizza for dinner and just watched Netflix for the rest of the night. He held me close and I cried every now and then, but the day was over and tomorrow should be a little less painful.

THE UPWARD TURN

Work became interesting in the coming months, and enough changes were happening at work to create a distraction from the pain. We found opportunities knocking at our doors and incredible things happening in our careers. Both Christian and I took it as signs that this is where our attention needed to be. We had not wanted to try again for a baby. We decided maybe we could take some time to focus on our jobs. We had come out of the fog and the routine of our life was starting to make its way back into our life. The pizza delivery guy was not called any more, healthy food started to be made again in our kitchen, and life continued as it had. The workouts resumed soon after and we spent time on us.

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

Christian and I have this incredible bond and connection I could gush about all day. But we communicate, sometimes more than he’d like, haha, and we work through every little thing. Communication is number one for us. Only by doing it together were we able to come to terms with what had happened. We mourned our lost child but we built a stronger unit. We knew we could get through anything having just been to hell and back while holding hands the entire time. We worked through our emotions and we worked on ourselves. I realized my goal had been to be a mother for so long that it had become the reason I did many of the things I did. Fitness had been a part of my life for years but when I started to break down why I had gained all this weight and lost control I realized I had been doing it all for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be healthy, for the baby that would come in our future. I wanted to be fit and strong, for the baby and the pregnancy that would come in the future… The thing was, when this pregnancy and baby came, and then left. I lost my purpose, I lost my reasons, I lost my why. I changed trajectory during this time. I decided to be healthy for ME. I decided to be fit and strong for ME, and this is likely one of the things that allowed me to stay stronger when we lost our second baby last October.

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

As time passed we grew to accept that this was our story, and this was how life was supposed to go for us. There were many lessons learned through this unfortunate and terrible event. We grew to be stronger, time heals, this I have learned. We don’t live with what ifs, they do more harm than good. We live in love and in hope. We hoped when we decided to try again, sometime in the future that it would be our time, and although we lost that baby too and it took a third try, we are beyond grateful for every experience that has led us to be pregnant with this baby boy today. We love him so much already and we are anxiously, terribly and impatiently waiting to meet him but we live in love and in hope. And every day is a wonder and a blessing, and every moment with him kicking inside me makes my heart skip a beat.

Why share all this?

I know this is incredibly personal, and I know many would choose not to share these words, but I have been continually surprised and delighted to receive private messages from women who have experienced something similar. Women who share in this story in some way and who felt alone and isolated in their pain before they connected with someone who understood them. So I share this for you, the silent reader who I may not hear from, and those that do reach out and share their stories with me. My hope has always been to share in hopes that someone else might connect to the words on the screen and feel even just a little bit less alone.

Love,

Mariangelica

 

Photo by Dmitry Bayer on Unsplash

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The sun was shining yesterday! Enough that you could actually feel the warmth on your skin. It’s exciting, the sun finally warming something up again. The snow melting its way into puddles and small mounds on street corners. It’s like change is coming, and every day is different from the last.

It’s slowly hitting me how quickly time is passing. Maybe it’s my daily changing body, maybe it’s the fact that i’m no longer throwing up every day so days are starting to blend together. Maybe it’s the weather and the snow and the fact my thermostat is getting closer to matching the temperature outside. Whatever the case, I’m 5 months pregnant.

5 months.

That’s more than I’ve ever been pregnant before. It’s a miracle, truly. Every morning I see my reflection in the mirror and I’m growing more in love with my changing silhouette by the day. It’s looking rounder, different, and I’ve never felt this way so consistently, day after day. Everyday I am in awe of what my body is doing. How it’s taking a little being and turning them into a tiny human who now is as long as a banana.

We have our ultrasound this morning and i’m excited, and for the first time going into the ultrasound room, not scared. I know the little baby is in there and not just because I threw up three times in the office bathroom yesterday after trying to eat a pear, followed by a banana smoothie. I know they’re in there because I feel them there. I know they are curled up all comfy in their favourite spot, and it could have been nothing, or it could have been everything but i felt something move inside me. It caught me so off guard I couldn’t tell you I was sure it was the baby, but it was strong and it was like nothing else I’ve felt before. It made me eager for when their little feet and hands more consistently drum against my insides. I’m told I’m not going to love those kicks at night when I’m trying to sleep, or when they become strong enough to disrupt an activity, but I can’t see that happening. Similarly to how they told me I would hate morning sickness and it grew to be my good friend and anxiety protector. I’m ready to cherish all of it, and I’m eager for this next stage I’m about to enter as the countdown begins until we meet our beautiful little one.

There’s a lot I want to do, and there’s a lot I want to not do. For now, I’m trying to do more of the things I want to and removing myself as often as possible from situations I don’t want to be a part of! Time is your lifelong companion, and how you use it and value it eventually shapes you. So I’m conscious, and aware of this, but then at the same time sometimes I just say ah screw it and lay down on the couch with Netflix at my fingertips.

Balance y’all.

My word is balance.

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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We. Are. Pregnant.

Wow.

The photo says it all. Our excitement is uncontainable. I’m thrilled to be sharing the news publicly now. I’m excited to be able to talk about what these last three months of our lives have been like. It’s been a ride, that’s for sure.

It’s hard to talk about this pregnancy without talking about our two previous pregnancies. I’ve openly talked with people in my life about the two babies we lost, but when I’m ready I’ll be able to truly share and put words to what that was like, because I really do believe in openly talking about how difficult pregnancy can truly be for some of us and how common miscarriage is. The topic will continue to be tabooed if we shy away from sharing our experiences. I don’t need to say much more than state that it happened, and it is because of this history that many of my experiences as a pregnant woman now may differ from that of a first timer’s. There are many ways in which these losses coat my current experiences, and many ways in which they have allowed for very different and positive outlooks on many of the things that have happened so far.

There are so many moments over the past three months where I did not feel like myself. It’s easy for me to sum up the three months in a blur of overjoyed excitement mixed with overwhelming fear and anxiety. From the moment I saw the second line appear on that home pregnancy test I fell to the floor in an incredibly powerful realization of how blessed I was to get another chance. The joy hit me like a truck and filled my very being. The tears flowed like never before. Almost just as quickly, I felt my expression change into worry. What did this mean? How could I keep this one safe, was there anything I could do? The realization again of how frail life was and how removed I was from the position of control was terrifying.

Fear marked many of my first experiences, the first trip to the bathroom was terrifying, the first ultrasound visit that wasn’t related to a miscarriage was also terrifying, pretty soon I realized this was not fair. It wasn’t fair for the little human being that was taking shape inside of me nor was it fair to Christian or me. We made a very conscious decision to remove fear from our minds, and it’s not as easy as it sounds. Lots of personal work had to happen for this to eventually be replaced by the goal which was the feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Meditation, prayer, visualization and daily mantras have kept fear at bay. It’s not like it’s impossible for it to come back, it has and will continue to, but I have a process in place for changing the thinking patterns now, and gratefulness is always the counter to fear for me.

“I am grateful to be pregnant in this moment, I am grateful for the life inside of me and I know they are happy, healthy and comfortable.”

Over and over until nothing else can occupy my mind, let the fear pass.

Right around the time I hit six weeks, the nausea paid me a visit, and made itself very comfortable in my life. It was soon found out that I had something called “Severe Morning Sickness” and this is why I spent weeks on end vomiting about 8 times a day, at all times of the day.

Some days I barely remember being awake, visions of waking up and being half carried to the bathroom by Christian. Vomiting until the blood vessels in my face burst and I left the bathroom only to fall back into his arms. Faint attempts to eat a soda cracker or two.

Days when I would start a timer after eating to push myself to hold in what I ate for at least half an hour before the breathing exercises wouldn’t work anymore and I had to run to throw up. I think the longest I made it was 27 minutes, and I was proud of that.

Without fault though, after every trip to throw up, I gave thanks. Something was happening inside me, and this was my constant reminder, my constant alert that all was well, and I was still pregnant. The gratefulness I felt, and continue to feel has kept my spirits high.

After three weeks of barely surviving on vitamin water and soda crackers, I had lost nine pounds, I looked faint and weak, I could barely keep myself upright and even water was difficult to contain. I was trying to just handle it. And I felt like I couldn’t complain, I didn’t want to either. I’d wanted this for long enough, and it was here and now, I just had to roll with whatever came. I am very much aware of those families that are still in their journey to have their positive pregnancy test and I felt like complaining was the same thing as being ungrateful. Which is very much untrue, but I share in case someone else has ever felt this way. Christian urged me to phone my doctor who quickly prescribed medication due to the severity of what I was experiencing. “All pregnant women with nausea take this,” I got the pills and after some online research on them decided I would give it a try.

It’s crazy but my immediate thought was that I was cheating at this pregnancy thing. Taking medicine to make this ‘easier’? It felt like I wasn’t going to get to experience everything as it should be, like I was choosing the easy way out. Silly, in hindsight, but I remember even then being immediately shocked at how quickly the guilt came over me. I shook my head as I took the medicine and went to bed. Guilt is not something I want to be a part of my life, again, I’m not saying you should block feelings out but I can make the conscious choice to change them.

The next morning, I woke up and went to brush my teeth, it was mid-brush that I realized I didn’t wake up with the immediate need to vomit. Relief seems like the appropriate feeling at this point, but I felt none of it. Instead I froze, toothbrush in mouth, my eyes going wide and looking at my stomach’s reflection. Why wasn’t I feeling sick, why wasn’t I throwing up, did something happen to the baby? Had something gone terribly wrong? The next hour was brutal as I worked really hard to rid myself of these thoughts. It’s the medicine, it’s working, that’s all. But I immediately thought, there’s no way I can take this medicine again, the anxiety it gave me was not worth the relief from the vomiting, throwing up had become my cue that all was well, taking it away was not going to work for me. But I couldn’t even make it to work, I still had to function. The debate was strong and didn’t last long because soon enough I was overcome with nausea and had to rush to throw up. My eyes stayed closed at the end as I gave thanks again and my heart starting beating at a normal pace.

I’ve come far since then, I now take four of those pills a day and still throw up regularly though my average has gone down to threeish times a day, thanks to the medication. It’s still been insane and some days are worse than others in terms of how little food I’m able to hold in but I’m just past the three month mark (14 weeks today!), we now wait and see if this gets a little less pronounced and allows me to focus on eating regular meals, eating vegetables and good stuff more often.

Today we live in gratitude and happiness. Sure, there are moments when we falter, but for the most part we have found balance. For now, we are grateful for each day we get. It’s a new day, baby is still here with us and there’s so much joy in just that simple thought. Christian has always been the biggest love of my life but the love I feel for him has expanded to new levels as I’ve seen him care for me day in and day out. His constant support in rubbing my back when I’m throwing up, always getting my pills, encouraging me to drink or eat throughout the day, just hugging me when I’ve been unable to keep anything in for days and making sure I never need to ask for anything. I’m grateful for him in my life, for all that he is. There is so much love in the small actions you do every day that they are so much more powerful than any grand gesture once a year ever could outdo.

Thank you for reading this far. Now we’re caught up.

Love, Mariangelica

 

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Best nine memories in June

June was such a whirlwind. It’s my month. The month that signifies love, and commitment. We got married in June, we started dating in June. So many wonderful things happened in June!

One

How wonderful is it to see people in love? This month we celebrated with a wonderful couple that hold a dear place in our hearts, Danielle and Sean! These two are undoubtedly made for each other and weddings just make me happy all over! I was actually incredibly sick the day of their wedding (and a few days before and after) My mind, being the strongest part of me, was too happy about the idea of seeing them walk down the aisle and party and dance that I pushed my sickness away, held it off and danced the night away with the hottest groomsmen in sight (my hubby) and then went home and felt the sickness return with a vengeance haha. Honestly, so much love for those two. I wish them the greatest fun and the best experiences in their life as a married couple, because I think marriage is da bomb.

Two

So, I’m not entirely sure when this obsession with pineapples began, but as I thought about a theme for a house party I wanted to throw for my work friends it seemed to be what kept popping in my brain! I achieved a huge milestone in my career this month and I wanted to thank some of the people that have been most important in my work life with a house party full of tropical goodness. I went slightly overboard. But really, it wouldn’t be my party if I hadn’t. Helium balloons filled the ceiling, hand cut pineapple print outs were everywhere in my house and a ridiculous amount of tropical decorations adorned the place. Including a ginormous pineapple balloon. It was such a wonderful time and a great reminder how important it is to have friends where you work. People you like and people that like you! Others you can have a laugh with or share in intelligent conversations! Tropical Party was a success!

Three

This month, my beautiful niece Sofia had her very first Dance Recital. I’d never attended a dance recital of any kind, and at first thought I’d have to endure 20 other classes of 4 year olds shy-ly dancing the macarena. But to my great surprise, this was quite the production!! Dancers all the way up to the highschool level performed some insanely beautiful and stunning performances that broke up the classes of the youngest students, making them actually really adorable to watch and see how each kid performed their 30 second dance. Other performances were award winning dances previously performed at the national level! The theatre, the lights, the costumes, it was breathtaking. Needless to say when my niece walked out in her costume and did her teapot dance i could barely watch through the tears that filled my eyes. This munchkin is one of a kind.

Four

One morning while getting ready to go to work I thought I’d check my calendar, just something told me to check it, and lo and behold, I had booked a day off for that very same day and had completely forgotten about it!! What a wonderful surprise! Days off are amazing, and only a little better when they get you by surprise. I actually didn’t do anything productive which is a hard thing for me to do! I played video games, watched tv, bummed around in my comfy clothes, played some guitar, played with Congo and enjoyed just being home.

Five

Christian and I treated our family to a Blue Jays game! Sadly the blue jays lost, but the experience was really great! We love being able to be there and be a part of some of their first experiences in Canada. And this, was their first baseball game here! They cheered loudly and actually enjoyed the game regardless of our final score. Loved our time together.

Six

Cam and CJ are some very wonderful human beings and I met them in my early years in highschool, online in some writing forums. Who knew you could make long lasting friendships through forums? But we managed to, and through the years of social media have kept in touch through skype video chats, myspace, facebook and instagram! They took a long train to see us a couple years ago when we visited New York on our long roadtrip, but we only had a few hours back then (And we spent them at a sex museum, haha) This time, they stayed with us as we explored Niagara Falls, brewery tours in KW and learned a few new board games, our mutual love and interest! They also bought their future baby’s first outfit while they were here! It was a super special experience and a memory I’m grateful we now have. They are just as adorable in person as they are online and we can’t wait for the next time our real lives cross paths.

Seven

We had another house guest stay with us for a whole week, Bailey, my furry nephew. This little ball of fluff came to stay with us while my sister and brother in law went camping and at first we were nervous to how Congo would handle having another male dog in the house. Well, let me tell you, they became the best of buds. Short of sleeping together they played like I’ve never seen Congo play and they went on a bajillion walks together. Walking together like totals pros. I think it was a great experience and it actually encouraged us to walk Congo more than we used to (since he’s potty trained to go in his indoor bathroom, he used to get less walks!) Now we’re well balanced with taking him outside or inside and it’s been a positive shift!

Eight

Christian and I got ourselves these little gadgets this month. It has been quite fun to compete with each other and many of our friends in step challenges throughout the weeks. Quite often we do things just because we know it will get us many steps and we’ve gone on more walks than we have in a long time! Now there’s no excuse to be bored! You can always be walking!

Nine

June 29th is our special day. This year we celebrated 4 years since the day we said ‘I do’. We have so many fond memories of our wedding day and all the years before and after. It’s becoming difficult to remember which year we did what but what’s important is that we have grown to love each other more and more as the days go by. There’s no one else I could ever dream of sharing forever with. It’s such an incredible feeling to be so raw and open and vulnerable with another person and feel safe and challenged and pushed to be your very best. We’re each other’s cheerleaders and coaches and although we have grown as a couple and in our marriage we have individually grown too. In our careers, in our personal development, in our beliefs and in what we will accept and refuse. It’s been incredible to discover who we have become. We will continue to dream and create and aspire to be, but also to thank, be grateful for and keep each other grounded in what really matters, family. We celebrated in the way that best suits what makes us happy which is the sun and the water. Lots of beach and sushi.

In June I was grateful for…

 

  • People getting married and love being in the air.
  • A thrifted dress for $14 to wear to said wedding. Score!
  • Christian getting to have some fun as a groomsman.
  • Dancing the night away with Christian, because no flu was going to get me down.
  • Mom, taking care of me when I was sick.
  • Playing softball and consistently playing in the outfield.
  • Homemade sorbets of mango and berries.
  • DIY decor fun times for an awesome tropical party we planned.
  • My friends crushing their goals in out wellness group.
  • Finding a foil pineapple balloon!!
  • Having so many awesome co workers over at our place.
  • Potluck foods and eating Christian’s heaven sent paella!
  • Seeing babies that were just too cute for words.
  • Crying with pride and emotion at seeing Sofia step on the stage during her first dance recital.
  • Being surprised with a day off!
  • Getting my workouts IN.
  • Taking the family to a baseball game for the first time in Canada and having them cheer for our Jays.
  • Being able to take Congo to work.
  • Receiving Cam and CJ from New York and showing them around our side of the world.
  • Exploring Niagra Falls like a tourist.
  • Winning some $$ at the casino.
  • Playing so many new and sweeeeeet board games.
  • Christian’s company hosting us for a brewery tour!
  • Reminders that kids will be kids.
  • Getting a fitbit and being inspired to step up my game because of the competition
  • Seeign Congo interact with Bailey and having two dogs for a week.
  • Realizing two dogs is a lot of work.
  • Homemade cashew butter. What else do I need to say.
  • Massages.
  • Mom getting to visit Meli in Montreal.
  • Christian getting news there’s a way to fix his restless sleep!
  • Watching an awesome asian drama. My guilty pleasure.
  • Celebrating our 4TH wedding anniversary. HOW. HOW?
  • Enjoying our week off to the max and spending so much time together.
  • The beach and the sun.
  • The water and the waves.
  • Sushi.

Look out for another Best Nine to hear all about July!

Mariangelica

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The human body is a wonder on all its own, don’t you think?

We have hands that can move and touch things, our fingertips can feel the textures before them. It’s so easy to forget, it’s so natural to take our bodies for granted. Holding hands helps transfer heat and warmth. An embrace can make us weak at the knees. And if we work at it, train it, and feed it well, our bodies can do incredible things and achieve the highest praise in sports and acrobatics. Our legs allow us to walk to new places whenever we wish and climb and jump. Our feet can feel blades of grass poking in between our toes, or dig themselves deeper into the cooler sand. Our stomach is wired and geared to help process anything we give it. Working tirelessly to extract what we need and purge what we don’t.

What’s most wonderful and awe-ing to me is our brains and hearts. Our minds, so full of wonder and light as babes and so complex and misunderstood at other times. Our brain allows us to find logical answers to everyday puzzles and problems that arise. It helps us decide between right and wrong, it allows us to come up with individualistic and unique thoughts. It reminds us of our past and the lessons we have learned from it. Our brains gather information and allow us to dream, to plan in advance, to shoot for the stars.

Our hearts distribute the correct amount of blood to all our organs, think about that! It’s a machine of insane power that defines if we live or if we don’t. A heartbeat, unique and special. From the moment the first ultrasound picks it up our heartbeats provide comfort to all those around us and to the woman that carries us for it means that we are living. Then there are emotions that we attach to the heart because of how it affects our heartbeat, because of how it changes in the face of the love of our lives, and family, and that thing you fear most. Love, a chemical reaction. Fear and Worry which steal our heartbeats. Excitement and Surprise that lift our mood and changes our routine.

These bodies we get to call our own are our home, they are the shelter of our soul. They allow us to experience life in our very own way. We get one body in this life, and it grows and develops inside of another human body. Talk about a miracle. Talk about the most magical experience. Carrying life. Every minute, knowing a new tiny human is growing inside. Knowing that everything you do and put into your body will make its way to them. Seeing for the first time how wonderful a woman’s body is, for it can grow LIFE. Your perspective on life changes, and will continue to, through birth, through the early years and forevermore.

Every person’s life has different chapters, and some have chapters they are missing from their story. Some families yearn to get pregnant and struggle through infertility and invasive treatments to be able to grow life. Others have gotten pregnant, had their world changed and then had it changed again when they suffered a loss. Others have had babies that are now gone. There are many other chapters, I don’t know them all but if any one of these is you, know I’m thinking of you. Through this holiday you may feel many negative emotions, it may be hard, and I want to send you a big and warm hug and tell you I’m sorry you are going or have gone through this. I’m sorry you have to watch another Mother’s day go by without your little one, and I hope that you get all that your heart desires. IVF finally works, ClearBlue tells you, YES, or the adoption application goes through.

The human body is a magical mysterious and wonderful thing we have the privilege of owning. Some are different than others, some work in slightly different ways, but regardless of it all. I hope that today you can thank your body for all that it is. Your constant vehicle through this life. Your friend and partner in crime. Something you can’t very well live without. And I hope that it sparks some thinking as to how you treat it, and talk about it, move it and feed it. I hope you think about how you feel when you catch its reflection. Is it with loathing and disappointment or is it with gratefulness and a promise to do right by it. To care and nurture it. To treat it and talk about it like you would your best friend.

Mother’s Day means many things to me, but in my personal journey, it’s a constant reminder to be grateful for my body. To forgive it for what it has or hasn’t done. To be grateful for what it can do, for what it can become, and for what I know deep in my being that it will provide.

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