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the second trimester

A collection of passages from various journal entries during the second trimester.

3 months

  • “Sometimes the fear still creeps in. I sill see myself having to tell everyone we lost the baby, but then I push those thoughts away.”
  • “Yesterday was good, I was able to eat a few things, and cooking has been happening a little more at home. I started to get anxious and worried in the evening when I continued to feel good. I tried to push the thoughts away but it was hard work. We went to the midwife appointment and heard it, for the first time. The baby’s little heart beat. Strong and fast. It was unreal. We were quiet, we just listened, I didn’t want it to end.”

 

4 months

  • “Honestly I don’t know how we got here, but then I do, one day at a time. There is an avocado sized baby inside me, it blows my mind. No one can tell because all the vomiting has kept my stomach flatter than ever before. But we heard the heartbeat, they are really in there!”
  • “I turn 28 soon. It feels crazy to me because I’ve generally disliked my birthdays and the idea of getting a year older, but being so close to 30 I figured i’d be having some mental breakdown haha. Suddenly though, my view has changed. I’ve been able to enjoy all these years in my 20s to the max. I have moved ahead in my career and have spent so much quality time with my husband. We’ve enjoyed all these years of it being just us and Congo and it has been amazing. We’ve done crazy things and seen the world. None of this has to change of course, and heck, there’s still TWO long full years ahead in my 20s, but my 30s now look so exciting.”
  • “I am full of gratefulness for all of the wonderful things in my life. I am grateful to be pregnant in this moment, for not wanting for anything but the healthy baby boy or girl to come join us in this life. I am overjoyed in happiness daily. I thank God, above all.”
  • “I am grateful for this moment in our lives, for the life growing inside me.”
  • “I am hopeful that those that continue to hope and pray for a child will be blessed with one.”
  • “Fear will not allow me to do what I know I am able to do, so I refuse it and prohibit it from coming anywhere near my pregnancy and birth.”

 

5 months

  • “I am starting to fall in love with this tiny belly of mine. It’s taking a little bit of shape, but overall it’s small and still most people at work don’t know. But it’s the way my body is shaped, it’s the way it’s growing this little baby and honestly as long as they are healthy there is no need to worry about whether my belly is round or flat at this moment.”
  • “I think I felt the baby move, but I can’t be sure, it’s not like I know what that would feel like… I had just eaten so I wasn’t sure if it had just been my stomach processing food but it felt like a rolling motion. We’ll have to wait and see!”
  • “We started setting up the nursery! Moved the home office to a different room and things are taking shape!”

 

6 months

  • “This little guy has been so active lately! The feeling is surreal and amazing. Feeling him move catches me by surprise and instantly makes me smile.”
  • “I have been feeling so good now! I’m still in my regular jeans and regular clothes, but I can see the roundness will be coming soon!”
  • “I haven’t thrown up in a few days so that’s been incredible. I haven’t had the energy to work out throughout this pregnancy, mostly the vomiting and lack of food has kept me from it, but I can see I have the energy now, so I’m excited to make that happen in the near future.”
  • “Finally picked up all the big items we needed, like a stroller, crib, car seat etc and we’re waiting for them to be delivered. It’s feeling so real!”

 

“My darling baby boy, we lost your brother or sister one month before you showed up. Reading back the entries of my journal I realize how fragile you are, and have been this whole time. You too were the size of an orange seed once… and it’s wild to think you’re as big as a bunch of kale now. You’re huge little one! Your kicks made my tummy move last night for the first time and I sat there, staring at the little bumps you made in awe of your strength. You are amazing, strong and so incredibly loved. The entries of my journal count back all the days with you, and I smile at the relief and celebration of making it another day together. Look how far we’ve come my love, one day at a time has led us here, to week 27, the last week of this wild and incredible second trimester. 91 days to go, already on the double digits and I’m ready to meet you. Yes, our lives will change more than we know but I’m ready for it all.

Love you always,

Mom.”

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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The human body is a wonder on all its own, don’t you think?

We have hands that can move and touch things, our fingertips can feel the textures before them. It’s so easy to forget, it’s so natural to take our bodies for granted. Holding hands helps transfer heat and warmth. An embrace can make us weak at the knees. And if we work at it, train it, and feed it well, our bodies can do incredible things and achieve the highest praise in sports and acrobatics. Our legs allow us to walk to new places whenever we wish and climb and jump. Our feet can feel blades of grass poking in between our toes, or dig themselves deeper into the cooler sand. Our stomach is wired and geared to help process anything we give it. Working tirelessly to extract what we need and purge what we don’t.

What’s most wonderful and awe-ing to me is our brains and hearts. Our minds, so full of wonder and light as babes and so complex and misunderstood at other times. Our brain allows us to find logical answers to everyday puzzles and problems that arise. It helps us decide between right and wrong, it allows us to come up with individualistic and unique thoughts. It reminds us of our past and the lessons we have learned from it. Our brains gather information and allow us to dream, to plan in advance, to shoot for the stars.

Our hearts distribute the correct amount of blood to all our organs, think about that! It’s a machine of insane power that defines if we live or if we don’t. A heartbeat, unique and special. From the moment the first ultrasound picks it up our heartbeats provide comfort to all those around us and to the woman that carries us for it means that we are living. Then there are emotions that we attach to the heart because of how it affects our heartbeat, because of how it changes in the face of the love of our lives, and family, and that thing you fear most. Love, a chemical reaction. Fear and Worry which steal our heartbeats. Excitement and Surprise that lift our mood and changes our routine.

These bodies we get to call our own are our home, they are the shelter of our soul. They allow us to experience life in our very own way. We get one body in this life, and it grows and develops inside of another human body. Talk about a miracle. Talk about the most magical experience. Carrying life. Every minute, knowing a new tiny human is growing inside. Knowing that everything you do and put into your body will make its way to them. Seeing for the first time how wonderful a woman’s body is, for it can grow LIFE. Your perspective on life changes, and will continue to, through birth, through the early years and forevermore.

Every person’s life has different chapters, and some have chapters they are missing from their story. Some families yearn to get pregnant and struggle through infertility and invasive treatments to be able to grow life. Others have gotten pregnant, had their world changed and then had it changed again when they suffered a loss. Others have had babies that are now gone. There are many other chapters, I don’t know them all but if any one of these is you, know I’m thinking of you. Through this holiday you may feel many negative emotions, it may be hard, and I want to send you a big and warm hug and tell you I’m sorry you are going or have gone through this. I’m sorry you have to watch another Mother’s day go by without your little one, and I hope that you get all that your heart desires. IVF finally works, ClearBlue tells you, YES, or the adoption application goes through.

The human body is a magical mysterious and wonderful thing we have the privilege of owning. Some are different than others, some work in slightly different ways, but regardless of it all. I hope that today you can thank your body for all that it is. Your constant vehicle through this life. Your friend and partner in crime. Something you can’t very well live without. And I hope that it sparks some thinking as to how you treat it, and talk about it, move it and feed it. I hope you think about how you feel when you catch its reflection. Is it with loathing and disappointment or is it with gratefulness and a promise to do right by it. To care and nurture it. To treat it and talk about it like you would your best friend.

Mother’s Day means many things to me, but in my personal journey, it’s a constant reminder to be grateful for my body. To forgive it for what it has or hasn’t done. To be grateful for what it can do, for what it can become, and for what I know deep in my being that it will provide.

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