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the first miscarriage

We got pregnant after one try, it was kind of crazy that way. We were a family of four counting Congo for 10 weeks before the bleeding started one morning, it was faint, barely there, but fear set in and burrowed a home in my stomach. We called the midwife and she said to monitor it, but not to be alarmed, bleeding could happen in a healthy pregnancy. I don’t know the order of events, it feels like a terrible dream. My mind was a blur of thoughts, how could I focus when my body was potentially failing me? When the bleeding got heavier and the blood tests confirmed the HCG hormone had risen but not by the amount it should have, my heart knew. I was losing my first baby. He was leaving me and there was nothing I could do about it. We had already shared 11 weeks together, there was this special bond we had created. Christian kissed my belly every morning and I talked to this little baby every day on my way to work. I loved him deeply and my due date was already in my calendar. My baby, my very first baby. I remember crying for hours in bed one morning. The bleeding was so heavy, the pain in my abdomen was settling in, making it all the more real for me. Christian cried with me but also urged us to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to, I knew what they would say, it would be too final, it would make it all real. But I was weak and nothing made sense to me, so I agreed. We rode with red faces and upon getting a room they asked me to put on a hospital gown. I wore it with one of Christian’s sweaters over top. It was bright yellow. We waited there and he held my hand. I remember being numb. Tears somehow kept forming in my eyes, and the thoughts we a mixture of faint Whys and Maybe it’s all ok. When they gave us the news that the baby was no longer inside of me my world fell apart. There could be no deeper pain, no stronger raw world shaking pain that could exist. A knife dug in deep into my chest, the lack of air in my lungs suffocated me, nothing could make this moment less painful and there was nothing I could do to change it. He was gone, my baby boy was gone. We never knew his gender, but a part of me always thought of him as a he, so a he he stayed.

The feelings of losing someone set in like they do. One after the other..

SHOCK & DENIAL

There was a numbness, that came the days after, only Christian and anyone who has gone through something similar can understand. I felt hollow, like the best part of me had been viciously ripped out. An empty shell with nothing left inside of me. Like a black hole lay where my baby used to be. It felt surreal, this wasn’t supposed to be a part of our story. This wasn’t how life is supposed to go, you get pregnant, you give birth, you live life with a baby, the baby breathes… everything was all wrong. Someone had messed up the order of life’s events, he was too little.

PAIN & GUILT

The knife sat lodged in my chest. It was constantly hard to breathe. The world felt like a scary place and I had lost all sense of control. Control, this illusion of something I had. Guilt took place over pain quickly. I needed someone to blame, and who better than me? It was my job wasn’t it? My job to bring this baby into the world, and I couldn’t do it. I failed at this one task and now he was gone. The guilt weighed heavy over me, hurting me daily. Just the word itself is hurtful. MISCARRIAGE, defined as an unsuccessful outcome of something planned – “the miscarriage of the project”. Words have power and although I tried not to dig into it too much, it just pointed to me. I failed in carrying this baby, and that was hard to swallow.

ANGER & BARGAINING

I am the woman. I was the one carrying this child of ours. How could my body fail me like this? Why did this happen to me? What terrible thing have I done to deserve this pain, to deserve this tragedy? Up to that point in my life I was at the healthiest I had ever been. I stayed away from alcohol for months before we even started trying, I ate regularly and healthy meals, I worked out almost every day. I was strong, I was ready. I did all the right things, I took all the right steps. HOW could this happen to ME? I saw a pregnant woman outside the mall, she was smoking. Why me? I saw a woman who was obese ignore her doctor’s recommendations and continue to consume large quantities of soft drinks and junk food carry her baby happily into the world. Why did I even try then? I saw pregnant women everywhere and wondered how I was different, what mistake I had made. It was unhealthy to think this way and I only know this now, but at the time, I felt angry with my body, with other pregnant women and with the world.

DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS

I became upset and sad that I had spent so much effort getting super healthy, to have my body be in the best shape for welcoming new life and seeing that at the end of the day it didn’t matter. I gained weight really fast, I ate pizza every other day because Why did it matter anyways… It was hard to talk about it as much as I wanted to, none of my closest friends could ever understand this loss, nor did I ever want them to have to understand. Mother’s day came around just over a month after our loss. By then the world had forgotten. It was one of the hardest days for me. I was supposed to be pregnant, celebrating the journey to motherhood on this special day. All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and wait for tomorrow, but family expectations meant we had to not only celebrate our moms, rightly so, they should be celebrated, but also plan the whole thing. I felt like it was the world’s cruel way of hurting me, plan a party for a dozen people to celebrate a day that was going to be yours too. My heart was so heavy and my sadness was so grand. This day, a reminder of what I was on the journey to becoming, or was I already a mother? I felt like a mother who had lost her child too early, a mother with a baby that didn’t get a chance to live in this world outside of my body, but a mother all the same, yet the world didn’t see me that way. Only Christian saw me as a Mother, and in the mail when I checked it that morning, I received a letter from my angel baby that Christian had written. It was the most touching, and the best mother’s day gift I could have received that day. The action will forever live in my heart. I braved the day. I put on a good face. I smiled and I laughed. I planned an obstacle course for all of us to warm up because the day turned out to be super cold and we were outside. Eventually we packed up and went home. I think Christian and I ate pizza for dinner and just watched Netflix for the rest of the night. He held me close and I cried every now and then, but the day was over and tomorrow should be a little less painful.

THE UPWARD TURN

Work became interesting in the coming months, and enough changes were happening at work to create a distraction from the pain. We found opportunities knocking at our doors and incredible things happening in our careers. Both Christian and I took it as signs that this is where our attention needed to be. We had not wanted to try again for a baby. We decided maybe we could take some time to focus on our jobs. We had come out of the fog and the routine of our life was starting to make its way back into our life. The pizza delivery guy was not called any more, healthy food started to be made again in our kitchen, and life continued as it had. The workouts resumed soon after and we spent time on us.

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

Christian and I have this incredible bond and connection I could gush about all day. But we communicate, sometimes more than he’d like, haha, and we work through every little thing. Communication is number one for us. Only by doing it together were we able to come to terms with what had happened. We mourned our lost child but we built a stronger unit. We knew we could get through anything having just been to hell and back while holding hands the entire time. We worked through our emotions and we worked on ourselves. I realized my goal had been to be a mother for so long that it had become the reason I did many of the things I did. Fitness had been a part of my life for years but when I started to break down why I had gained all this weight and lost control I realized I had been doing it all for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be healthy, for the baby that would come in our future. I wanted to be fit and strong, for the baby and the pregnancy that would come in the future… The thing was, when this pregnancy and baby came, and then left. I lost my purpose, I lost my reasons, I lost my why. I changed trajectory during this time. I decided to be healthy for ME. I decided to be fit and strong for ME, and this is likely one of the things that allowed me to stay stronger when we lost our second baby last October.

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

As time passed we grew to accept that this was our story, and this was how life was supposed to go for us. There were many lessons learned through this unfortunate and terrible event. We grew to be stronger, time heals, this I have learned. We don’t live with what ifs, they do more harm than good. We live in love and in hope. We hoped when we decided to try again, sometime in the future that it would be our time, and although we lost that baby too and it took a third try, we are beyond grateful for every experience that has led us to be pregnant with this baby boy today. We love him so much already and we are anxiously, terribly and impatiently waiting to meet him but we live in love and in hope. And every day is a wonder and a blessing, and every moment with him kicking inside me makes my heart skip a beat.

Why share all this?

I know this is incredibly personal, and I know many would choose not to share these words, but I have been continually surprised and delighted to receive private messages from women who have experienced something similar. Women who share in this story in some way and who felt alone and isolated in their pain before they connected with someone who understood them. So I share this for you, the silent reader who I may not hear from, and those that do reach out and share their stories with me. My hope has always been to share in hopes that someone else might connect to the words on the screen and feel even just a little bit less alone.

Love,

Mariangelica

 

Photo by Dmitry Bayer on Unsplash

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I’ve been struggling with something lately that has kept me from my regular routine. I’ve been thinking about ignoring it and posting about healthy recipes and how to be motivated to workout but honestly, right now, I’d feel like a hypocrite if I did any of those things. I think it’s easy to think I have it all figured out. I rarely do let my walls down as I believe in positivity and sharing all that is good and bright with the world. The dark things, well I keep those to myself, as I do not think they will benefit anyone or make anyone’s day better, and really that’s part of the reason I share so much of me. I want to help, I want others to be well, I want to make you think about something mundane in a new light. It’s something that fills my heart.

When I struggle, and I fall, and I have trouble following my own advice I just go silent. I stop posting for a few days and barely look at social media. And it happens. I often go through waves and I’m working constantly on balance. I like to try things. Everyone knows that one thing about me. They may also know I tend to try hard, and intensely and sometimes I wear myself out in the midst of it all. I need a break I retreat from everything and cocoon myself until I feel recharged and ready to go again. It’s something I’ve done most of my adult life and it has got to stop.

I love how lost I get in the excitement of something new. I love how much of myself I give to people and situations and things I’m interested in. I love all of it. I don’t love the moments I feel down, depressed, crippled with an inability to get up and do anything productive. When focusing on simple tasks at work seem like they will use up all of my remaining gasps of energy and when the idea of making food is so tiring I’d rather sleep for hours on end. Therefore, change has to happen. I write this, still unsure if I will publish it but I’m a writer, and this is how I heal, this is my therapy, this is how I make sense of things and see them for the first time very clearly. It’s like speaking with myself in an uncluttered environment because the page is blank when I start speaking and you can only write one word at a time. The countless things in my mind have to get in line and only one thought can come out at a time. A peaceful reflexion when the haze of everything threatens to take over. I love writing.

Unable to write anything else, I think this will do. I’ve sat down to blog about countless other things this last month, but nothing would come. Sitting here minutes after pouring this out I am sure this is what I needed to do in order to break the wall of my creativity and motivation.

I am doing well and I have an amazing support system in my family and friends. I hope if you’ve been struggling with motivation, getting started on your plans or projects, or simply struggling with getting through the day and still smiling, then know it happens to all of us. We’re always switching from one end of the spectrum to the other. Sometimes you’re up while other times you’re down. No matter the reason, know you’re not alone. And sometimes this cloud leaves as quickly as it came while other times some work has to be done in order to keep it moving right along.

Yay to breaking the wall. Up next, a recap of all the great things June brought with it.

Much love always,

Mariangelica

Photo by Dean Johns on Unsplash

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Best nine memories in June

June was such a whirlwind. It’s my month. The month that signifies love, and commitment. We got married in June, we started dating in June. So many wonderful things happened in June!

One

How wonderful is it to see people in love? This month we celebrated with a wonderful couple that hold a dear place in our hearts, Danielle and Sean! These two are undoubtedly made for each other and weddings just make me happy all over! I was actually incredibly sick the day of their wedding (and a few days before and after) My mind, being the strongest part of me, was too happy about the idea of seeing them walk down the aisle and party and dance that I pushed my sickness away, held it off and danced the night away with the hottest groomsmen in sight (my hubby) and then went home and felt the sickness return with a vengeance haha. Honestly, so much love for those two. I wish them the greatest fun and the best experiences in their life as a married couple, because I think marriage is da bomb.

Two

So, I’m not entirely sure when this obsession with pineapples began, but as I thought about a theme for a house party I wanted to throw for my work friends it seemed to be what kept popping in my brain! I achieved a huge milestone in my career this month and I wanted to thank some of the people that have been most important in my work life with a house party full of tropical goodness. I went slightly overboard. But really, it wouldn’t be my party if I hadn’t. Helium balloons filled the ceiling, hand cut pineapple print outs were everywhere in my house and a ridiculous amount of tropical decorations adorned the place. Including a ginormous pineapple balloon. It was such a wonderful time and a great reminder how important it is to have friends where you work. People you like and people that like you! Others you can have a laugh with or share in intelligent conversations! Tropical Party was a success!

Three

This month, my beautiful niece Sofia had her very first Dance Recital. I’d never attended a dance recital of any kind, and at first thought I’d have to endure 20 other classes of 4 year olds shy-ly dancing the macarena. But to my great surprise, this was quite the production!! Dancers all the way up to the highschool level performed some insanely beautiful and stunning performances that broke up the classes of the youngest students, making them actually really adorable to watch and see how each kid performed their 30 second dance. Other performances were award winning dances previously performed at the national level! The theatre, the lights, the costumes, it was breathtaking. Needless to say when my niece walked out in her costume and did her teapot dance i could barely watch through the tears that filled my eyes. This munchkin is one of a kind.

Four

One morning while getting ready to go to work I thought I’d check my calendar, just something told me to check it, and lo and behold, I had booked a day off for that very same day and had completely forgotten about it!! What a wonderful surprise! Days off are amazing, and only a little better when they get you by surprise. I actually didn’t do anything productive which is a hard thing for me to do! I played video games, watched tv, bummed around in my comfy clothes, played some guitar, played with Congo and enjoyed just being home.

Five

Christian and I treated our family to a Blue Jays game! Sadly the blue jays lost, but the experience was really great! We love being able to be there and be a part of some of their first experiences in Canada. And this, was their first baseball game here! They cheered loudly and actually enjoyed the game regardless of our final score. Loved our time together.

Six

Cam and CJ are some very wonderful human beings and I met them in my early years in highschool, online in some writing forums. Who knew you could make long lasting friendships through forums? But we managed to, and through the years of social media have kept in touch through skype video chats, myspace, facebook and instagram! They took a long train to see us a couple years ago when we visited New York on our long roadtrip, but we only had a few hours back then (And we spent them at a sex museum, haha) This time, they stayed with us as we explored Niagara Falls, brewery tours in KW and learned a few new board games, our mutual love and interest! They also bought their future baby’s first outfit while they were here! It was a super special experience and a memory I’m grateful we now have. They are just as adorable in person as they are online and we can’t wait for the next time our real lives cross paths.

Seven

We had another house guest stay with us for a whole week, Bailey, my furry nephew. This little ball of fluff came to stay with us while my sister and brother in law went camping and at first we were nervous to how Congo would handle having another male dog in the house. Well, let me tell you, they became the best of buds. Short of sleeping together they played like I’ve never seen Congo play and they went on a bajillion walks together. Walking together like totals pros. I think it was a great experience and it actually encouraged us to walk Congo more than we used to (since he’s potty trained to go in his indoor bathroom, he used to get less walks!) Now we’re well balanced with taking him outside or inside and it’s been a positive shift!

Eight

Christian and I got ourselves these little gadgets this month. It has been quite fun to compete with each other and many of our friends in step challenges throughout the weeks. Quite often we do things just because we know it will get us many steps and we’ve gone on more walks than we have in a long time! Now there’s no excuse to be bored! You can always be walking!

Nine

June 29th is our special day. This year we celebrated 4 years since the day we said ‘I do’. We have so many fond memories of our wedding day and all the years before and after. It’s becoming difficult to remember which year we did what but what’s important is that we have grown to love each other more and more as the days go by. There’s no one else I could ever dream of sharing forever with. It’s such an incredible feeling to be so raw and open and vulnerable with another person and feel safe and challenged and pushed to be your very best. We’re each other’s cheerleaders and coaches and although we have grown as a couple and in our marriage we have individually grown too. In our careers, in our personal development, in our beliefs and in what we will accept and refuse. It’s been incredible to discover who we have become. We will continue to dream and create and aspire to be, but also to thank, be grateful for and keep each other grounded in what really matters, family. We celebrated in the way that best suits what makes us happy which is the sun and the water. Lots of beach and sushi.

In June I was grateful for…

 

  • People getting married and love being in the air.
  • A thrifted dress for $14 to wear to said wedding. Score!
  • Christian getting to have some fun as a groomsman.
  • Dancing the night away with Christian, because no flu was going to get me down.
  • Mom, taking care of me when I was sick.
  • Playing softball and consistently playing in the outfield.
  • Homemade sorbets of mango and berries.
  • DIY decor fun times for an awesome tropical party we planned.
  • My friends crushing their goals in out wellness group.
  • Finding a foil pineapple balloon!!
  • Having so many awesome co workers over at our place.
  • Potluck foods and eating Christian’s heaven sent paella!
  • Seeing babies that were just too cute for words.
  • Crying with pride and emotion at seeing Sofia step on the stage during her first dance recital.
  • Being surprised with a day off!
  • Getting my workouts IN.
  • Taking the family to a baseball game for the first time in Canada and having them cheer for our Jays.
  • Being able to take Congo to work.
  • Receiving Cam and CJ from New York and showing them around our side of the world.
  • Exploring Niagra Falls like a tourist.
  • Winning some $$ at the casino.
  • Playing so many new and sweeeeeet board games.
  • Christian’s company hosting us for a brewery tour!
  • Reminders that kids will be kids.
  • Getting a fitbit and being inspired to step up my game because of the competition
  • Seeign Congo interact with Bailey and having two dogs for a week.
  • Realizing two dogs is a lot of work.
  • Homemade cashew butter. What else do I need to say.
  • Massages.
  • Mom getting to visit Meli in Montreal.
  • Christian getting news there’s a way to fix his restless sleep!
  • Watching an awesome asian drama. My guilty pleasure.
  • Celebrating our 4TH wedding anniversary. HOW. HOW?
  • Enjoying our week off to the max and spending so much time together.
  • The beach and the sun.
  • The water and the waves.
  • Sushi.

Look out for another Best Nine to hear all about July!

Mariangelica

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Best nine memories in May

The best nine memories. May was a strange month. A wonderful and happy and yet stressful month. Here’s the breakdown of the best nine memories from May.

One

Azzie came over for a full day of girlie time. We ate some food, watched some tv, we crafted our own inspirational boards as we cut up magazines and read funny articles. Before she went home we did a killer workout and although she thought she wouldn’t be able to finish she did and I was so proud of her for making it to the end. 

Two

Earlier in May I was at an appointment close to my old high school. When I was out of the appointment I realized it was still school hours and some of my old high school teachers might still be teaching so I redirected the GPS (because I still don’t know how to get anywhere without it) and parked in the small parking lot filled with senior kids’ cars. As I was walking in the building I got immediate butterflies. The halls, the kids hanging out in some of my old usual spots. A theater performance under way, music students in the wing practicing. I got a chance to see two of my art teachers and it was such a nice moment. A quick hug, a quick “hope you’re doing well, just thought of you and wanted to stop by” and I was back in my car. Classes were underway so not much of a chit chat but just enough to remind me and them what great teachers I had, and how it’s shaped who I have become. Go teachers!

Three

Mother’s Day was spent with mom. We went on a walk with Congo and we cleaned out her closet of old paperwork she had been meaning to get rid of! She really did want to spend the day doing something productive and I know it brought her a lot of joy to get rid of so much baggage (haha, see what I did there?) because of all the bags of paper… and they were old immigration stressful things type of paperwork so, ‘baggage’ anyways.. The day before mother’s day though I got to spend it with both my mom and my mother in law 🙂 I am so lucky to have them in my life and to share with them my life and them with me. Being an immigrant child means I left a lot of family behind, but it means my parents left even more. So when I get to visit my mom and hug her I know I’m so so lucky because it’s something she can’t do, and it’s because she chose my future over it, and that’s true love.

Four

Christian and I played our first game of Slo Pitch together and it was awesome. They have him on third base and I have been alternating between outfielder and catcher. It’s been so great to get out and have a team of strangers who cheer you on just because you’re wearing the same coloured jersey. I know we’ve both enjoyed getting out and doing something active together that is also super fun to watch when we’re not on the field! We’ve talked about getting a few practices in because we both have to work on our batting! If I could sprint and run bases for everyone I’d do that all day, but batting… oh boy.

Five

As you may or may not have heard, things in Venezuela are not too great right now. Basic necessities are scarce or ridiculously priced by people who buy all the stock and sell it on the streets. It’s not safe and violent crimes are on the rise as people enter survival mode. Through all this though, I give thanks that my family is safe and although they have experienced many hardships they are alive, and as well as they can be given all the circumstances. My mom’s uncle and aunt flew to Canada to visit family, and we had them over at our place for a day to play Bocce Balls, a very popular game in Venezuela. We had a good time enjoying the weather and hearing their old childhood stories about having a lion cub turned lion in their home as a pet for a few years and their adorable pet monkey. 

Six

I like themes. I like them because it gives everyone an idea as to what to expect. If it’s a pajama party I can expect people to come in PJs and there to be some popcorn and pillows. If it’s a pool party I can expect some swimming suits, sunscreen, and cold drinks. I decided to host a Tropical Party, which so far includes fruit platters, shrimp paella, pineapples, and flamingos. Christian and I love having friends over and hosting people at our home, even before we had this new nice home we made do with whatever space we had always seeming to max out how many bodies we could fit into a tiny one bedroom apartment to having little to no wiggle room at a halloween party in a skinny townhouse rental. We just love entertaining, and it’s turned out to be an important part of what we enjoy doing together!

Seven

Earlier in May I officially applied for a Product Design role. Quite different from what was my current Graphic Design role, but then again also kind of similar. It was a huge change for me as it’s been the first big change I’ve made in my 4 and some years at working at the same place. There’s something nice about being a part of the same team for that long. There’s that familiarity, that history with clients and processes, that personal connection to all those on the team. You tend to be responsible for more, simply because you’ve been around long enough to know the ins and outs of a specific project etc. This new job gets rid of many of those comfortable factors that made up my work-life. I don’t know many people on this new team. I am not aware of current process and procedures. I don’t know how their timeline works or where I fit into the big picture yet. But soon, and I believe it, I’ll have all the answers I need. The greatest part about this decision is that it’s a new challenge involving something I truly am passionate about. It’s going to expand my skills and my world so much, and I’m starting a new chapter of my short life.

Eight

The girls and our boys got together at Matahangi and Nish’s place in Toronto and it was such a good time. Chill, relaxed, nothing crazy planned. Just friends sitting and gathering around food, talking about this and that. I love my friend time and sometimes I long for more of them because we see each other all together such few times. I love these girls with all my heart and although I know Azra wasn’t there I always carry her in my heart so it’s like she was. We somehow all showed up in a different version of denim and it was way too cool so we snapped a  photo!

Nine

It happened y’all. There’s a goal I can check off. 100 days of workouts and right in time for almost half way through the year. There’s a post coming soon where I touch base on how I’m doing with my resolution goals, so look out for that to hear more about the struggles I went through while completing my 100 days goal. There were many. 100 was just a big number I had a dream of achieving one day, and thanks to the determination in me, the support from family, the support from friends watching my journey develop on instagram and facebook and of my friends’ consistency in the WhatsApp private group, I made it through. The group helps keep all of us accountable! We have to check in with a Photo of our workout, or a meal we’re eating if we want to. I am so proud of them for hitting their weekly goals and most of them are super close to 100 too!! So proud!! Now to think of a new goal and crush it! 

In May I was grateful for…

  • Bring able to follow my workouts on mute while watching Netflix.
  • Azra for coming to see me and crafting inspiration boards with me.
  • The feeling after a good sweat.
  • Birthdays and healthy options at restaurants.
  • Being brave enough to cut Congo’s mane.
  • The changes in my body as I hit 80 workout days!
  • Benefits through work to continue to care for my neck/back
  • Massages from people that don’t get tired as quickly!
  • Abs starting to show some definition.
  • Homemade sushi, and the fact that it’s just as delicious as restaurant quality!
  • Morning shakes and new recipes!
  • Dan and Michelle’s awesome magnet gift!
  • Duolingo and holding my French daily streak for a while there!
  • Old high school teachers that made a difference in my life.
  • My mom for being the very best and having her close for another mother’s day.
  • Being healthy enough to play our first slo pitch game.
  • Co-workers who help practice your ball throwing and catching at lunch
  • Breaking out of my comfort zone and applying for a new job.
  • Getting that new job!!
  • Flexible working from home days.
  • Cooking meals at home.
  • Family time with those close and family from Venezuela – playing in great weather.
  • Workouts that are choreographed dances!
  • Congito and him being the cutest.
  • Checking out the city more and going to our first parade here.
  • Designing a themed party and planning decor!
  • Finding a dress at a thrift shop for $16 for Sean and Danielle’s wedding!
  • Purchasing our dream tree, a fiddle leaf fig, and naming it Mowgli.
  • For all the green things thriving in our home.
  • Great co-workers I will miss seeing every day in my old team!
  • Nice and welcoming coworkers on the new team!
  • Seeing my girls (missing Azra) and catching up!
  • Our softball team getting better and better and us wearing matching uniforms.

Look out for another Best Nine next month to hear all about June!

Mariangelica

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The human body is a wonder on all its own, don’t you think?

We have hands that can move and touch things, our fingertips can feel the textures before them. It’s so easy to forget, it’s so natural to take our bodies for granted. Holding hands helps transfer heat and warmth. An embrace can make us weak at the knees. And if we work at it, train it, and feed it well, our bodies can do incredible things and achieve the highest praise in sports and acrobatics. Our legs allow us to walk to new places whenever we wish and climb and jump. Our feet can feel blades of grass poking in between our toes, or dig themselves deeper into the cooler sand. Our stomach is wired and geared to help process anything we give it. Working tirelessly to extract what we need and purge what we don’t.

What’s most wonderful and awe-ing to me is our brains and hearts. Our minds, so full of wonder and light as babes and so complex and misunderstood at other times. Our brain allows us to find logical answers to everyday puzzles and problems that arise. It helps us decide between right and wrong, it allows us to come up with individualistic and unique thoughts. It reminds us of our past and the lessons we have learned from it. Our brains gather information and allow us to dream, to plan in advance, to shoot for the stars.

Our hearts distribute the correct amount of blood to all our organs, think about that! It’s a machine of insane power that defines if we live or if we don’t. A heartbeat, unique and special. From the moment the first ultrasound picks it up our heartbeats provide comfort to all those around us and to the woman that carries us for it means that we are living. Then there are emotions that we attach to the heart because of how it affects our heartbeat, because of how it changes in the face of the love of our lives, and family, and that thing you fear most. Love, a chemical reaction. Fear and Worry which steal our heartbeats. Excitement and Surprise that lift our mood and changes our routine.

These bodies we get to call our own are our home, they are the shelter of our soul. They allow us to experience life in our very own way. We get one body in this life, and it grows and develops inside of another human body. Talk about a miracle. Talk about the most magical experience. Carrying life. Every minute, knowing a new tiny human is growing inside. Knowing that everything you do and put into your body will make its way to them. Seeing for the first time how wonderful a woman’s body is, for it can grow LIFE. Your perspective on life changes, and will continue to, through birth, through the early years and forevermore.

Every person’s life has different chapters, and some have chapters they are missing from their story. Some families yearn to get pregnant and struggle through infertility and invasive treatments to be able to grow life. Others have gotten pregnant, had their world changed and then had it changed again when they suffered a loss. Others have had babies that are now gone. There are many other chapters, I don’t know them all but if any one of these is you, know I’m thinking of you. Through this holiday you may feel many negative emotions, it may be hard, and I want to send you a big and warm hug and tell you I’m sorry you are going or have gone through this. I’m sorry you have to watch another Mother’s day go by without your little one, and I hope that you get all that your heart desires. IVF finally works, ClearBlue tells you, YES, or the adoption application goes through.

The human body is a magical mysterious and wonderful thing we have the privilege of owning. Some are different than others, some work in slightly different ways, but regardless of it all. I hope that today you can thank your body for all that it is. Your constant vehicle through this life. Your friend and partner in crime. Something you can’t very well live without. And I hope that it sparks some thinking as to how you treat it, and talk about it, move it and feed it. I hope you think about how you feel when you catch its reflection. Is it with loathing and disappointment or is it with gratefulness and a promise to do right by it. To care and nurture it. To treat it and talk about it like you would your best friend.

Mother’s Day means many things to me, but in my personal journey, it’s a constant reminder to be grateful for my body. To forgive it for what it has or hasn’t done. To be grateful for what it can do, for what it can become, and for what I know deep in my being that it will provide.

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