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the second trimester

A collection of passages from various journal entries during the second trimester.

3 months

  • “Sometimes the fear still creeps in. I sill see myself having to tell everyone we lost the baby, but then I push those thoughts away.”
  • “Yesterday was good, I was able to eat a few things, and cooking has been happening a little more at home. I started to get anxious and worried in the evening when I continued to feel good. I tried to push the thoughts away but it was hard work. We went to the midwife appointment and heard it, for the first time. The baby’s little heart beat. Strong and fast. It was unreal. We were quiet, we just listened, I didn’t want it to end.”

 

4 months

  • “Honestly I don’t know how we got here, but then I do, one day at a time. There is an avocado sized baby inside me, it blows my mind. No one can tell because all the vomiting has kept my stomach flatter than ever before. But we heard the heartbeat, they are really in there!”
  • “I turn 28 soon. It feels crazy to me because I’ve generally disliked my birthdays and the idea of getting a year older, but being so close to 30 I figured i’d be having some mental breakdown haha. Suddenly though, my view has changed. I’ve been able to enjoy all these years in my 20s to the max. I have moved ahead in my career and have spent so much quality time with my husband. We’ve enjoyed all these years of it being just us and Congo and it has been amazing. We’ve done crazy things and seen the world. None of this has to change of course, and heck, there’s still TWO long full years ahead in my 20s, but my 30s now look so exciting.”
  • “I am full of gratefulness for all of the wonderful things in my life. I am grateful to be pregnant in this moment, for not wanting for anything but the healthy baby boy or girl to come join us in this life. I am overjoyed in happiness daily. I thank God, above all.”
  • “I am grateful for this moment in our lives, for the life growing inside me.”
  • “I am hopeful that those that continue to hope and pray for a child will be blessed with one.”
  • “Fear will not allow me to do what I know I am able to do, so I refuse it and prohibit it from coming anywhere near my pregnancy and birth.”

 

5 months

  • “I am starting to fall in love with this tiny belly of mine. It’s taking a little bit of shape, but overall it’s small and still most people at work don’t know. But it’s the way my body is shaped, it’s the way it’s growing this little baby and honestly as long as they are healthy there is no need to worry about whether my belly is round or flat at this moment.”
  • “I think I felt the baby move, but I can’t be sure, it’s not like I know what that would feel like… I had just eaten so I wasn’t sure if it had just been my stomach processing food but it felt like a rolling motion. We’ll have to wait and see!”
  • “We started setting up the nursery! Moved the home office to a different room and things are taking shape!”

 

6 months

  • “This little guy has been so active lately! The feeling is surreal and amazing. Feeling him move catches me by surprise and instantly makes me smile.”
  • “I have been feeling so good now! I’m still in my regular jeans and regular clothes, but I can see the roundness will be coming soon!”
  • “I haven’t thrown up in a few days so that’s been incredible. I haven’t had the energy to work out throughout this pregnancy, mostly the vomiting and lack of food has kept me from it, but I can see I have the energy now, so I’m excited to make that happen in the near future.”
  • “Finally picked up all the big items we needed, like a stroller, crib, car seat etc and we’re waiting for them to be delivered. It’s feeling so real!”

 

“My darling baby boy, we lost your brother or sister one month before you showed up. Reading back the entries of my journal I realize how fragile you are, and have been this whole time. You too were the size of an orange seed once… and it’s wild to think you’re as big as a bunch of kale now. You’re huge little one! Your kicks made my tummy move last night for the first time and I sat there, staring at the little bumps you made in awe of your strength. You are amazing, strong and so incredibly loved. The entries of my journal count back all the days with you, and I smile at the relief and celebration of making it another day together. Look how far we’ve come my love, one day at a time has led us here, to week 27, the last week of this wild and incredible second trimester. 91 days to go, already on the double digits and I’m ready to meet you. Yes, our lives will change more than we know but I’m ready for it all.

Love you always,

Mom.”

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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The sun was shining yesterday! Enough that you could actually feel the warmth on your skin. It’s exciting, the sun finally warming something up again. The snow melting its way into puddles and small mounds on street corners. It’s like change is coming, and every day is different from the last.

It’s slowly hitting me how quickly time is passing. Maybe it’s my daily changing body, maybe it’s the fact that i’m no longer throwing up every day so days are starting to blend together. Maybe it’s the weather and the snow and the fact my thermostat is getting closer to matching the temperature outside. Whatever the case, I’m 5 months pregnant.

5 months.

That’s more than I’ve ever been pregnant before. It’s a miracle, truly. Every morning I see my reflection in the mirror and I’m growing more in love with my changing silhouette by the day. It’s looking rounder, different, and I’ve never felt this way so consistently, day after day. Everyday I am in awe of what my body is doing. How it’s taking a little being and turning them into a tiny human who now is as long as a banana.

We have our ultrasound this morning and i’m excited, and for the first time going into the ultrasound room, not scared. I know the little baby is in there and not just because I threw up three times in the office bathroom yesterday after trying to eat a pear, followed by a banana smoothie. I know they’re in there because I feel them there. I know they are curled up all comfy in their favourite spot, and it could have been nothing, or it could have been everything but i felt something move inside me. It caught me so off guard I couldn’t tell you I was sure it was the baby, but it was strong and it was like nothing else I’ve felt before. It made me eager for when their little feet and hands more consistently drum against my insides. I’m told I’m not going to love those kicks at night when I’m trying to sleep, or when they become strong enough to disrupt an activity, but I can’t see that happening. Similarly to how they told me I would hate morning sickness and it grew to be my good friend and anxiety protector. I’m ready to cherish all of it, and I’m eager for this next stage I’m about to enter as the countdown begins until we meet our beautiful little one.

There’s a lot I want to do, and there’s a lot I want to not do. For now, I’m trying to do more of the things I want to and removing myself as often as possible from situations I don’t want to be a part of! Time is your lifelong companion, and how you use it and value it eventually shapes you. So I’m conscious, and aware of this, but then at the same time sometimes I just say ah screw it and lay down on the couch with Netflix at my fingertips.

Balance y’all.

My word is balance.

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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Best nine memories in May

The best nine memories. May was a strange month. A wonderful and happy and yet stressful month. Here’s the breakdown of the best nine memories from May.

One

Azzie came over for a full day of girlie time. We ate some food, watched some tv, we crafted our own inspirational boards as we cut up magazines and read funny articles. Before she went home we did a killer workout and although she thought she wouldn’t be able to finish she did and I was so proud of her for making it to the end. 

Two

Earlier in May I was at an appointment close to my old high school. When I was out of the appointment I realized it was still school hours and some of my old high school teachers might still be teaching so I redirected the GPS (because I still don’t know how to get anywhere without it) and parked in the small parking lot filled with senior kids’ cars. As I was walking in the building I got immediate butterflies. The halls, the kids hanging out in some of my old usual spots. A theater performance under way, music students in the wing practicing. I got a chance to see two of my art teachers and it was such a nice moment. A quick hug, a quick “hope you’re doing well, just thought of you and wanted to stop by” and I was back in my car. Classes were underway so not much of a chit chat but just enough to remind me and them what great teachers I had, and how it’s shaped who I have become. Go teachers!

Three

Mother’s Day was spent with mom. We went on a walk with Congo and we cleaned out her closet of old paperwork she had been meaning to get rid of! She really did want to spend the day doing something productive and I know it brought her a lot of joy to get rid of so much baggage (haha, see what I did there?) because of all the bags of paper… and they were old immigration stressful things type of paperwork so, ‘baggage’ anyways.. The day before mother’s day though I got to spend it with both my mom and my mother in law 🙂 I am so lucky to have them in my life and to share with them my life and them with me. Being an immigrant child means I left a lot of family behind, but it means my parents left even more. So when I get to visit my mom and hug her I know I’m so so lucky because it’s something she can’t do, and it’s because she chose my future over it, and that’s true love.

Four

Christian and I played our first game of Slo Pitch together and it was awesome. They have him on third base and I have been alternating between outfielder and catcher. It’s been so great to get out and have a team of strangers who cheer you on just because you’re wearing the same coloured jersey. I know we’ve both enjoyed getting out and doing something active together that is also super fun to watch when we’re not on the field! We’ve talked about getting a few practices in because we both have to work on our batting! If I could sprint and run bases for everyone I’d do that all day, but batting… oh boy.

Five

As you may or may not have heard, things in Venezuela are not too great right now. Basic necessities are scarce or ridiculously priced by people who buy all the stock and sell it on the streets. It’s not safe and violent crimes are on the rise as people enter survival mode. Through all this though, I give thanks that my family is safe and although they have experienced many hardships they are alive, and as well as they can be given all the circumstances. My mom’s uncle and aunt flew to Canada to visit family, and we had them over at our place for a day to play Bocce Balls, a very popular game in Venezuela. We had a good time enjoying the weather and hearing their old childhood stories about having a lion cub turned lion in their home as a pet for a few years and their adorable pet monkey. 

Six

I like themes. I like them because it gives everyone an idea as to what to expect. If it’s a pajama party I can expect people to come in PJs and there to be some popcorn and pillows. If it’s a pool party I can expect some swimming suits, sunscreen, and cold drinks. I decided to host a Tropical Party, which so far includes fruit platters, shrimp paella, pineapples, and flamingos. Christian and I love having friends over and hosting people at our home, even before we had this new nice home we made do with whatever space we had always seeming to max out how many bodies we could fit into a tiny one bedroom apartment to having little to no wiggle room at a halloween party in a skinny townhouse rental. We just love entertaining, and it’s turned out to be an important part of what we enjoy doing together!

Seven

Earlier in May I officially applied for a Product Design role. Quite different from what was my current Graphic Design role, but then again also kind of similar. It was a huge change for me as it’s been the first big change I’ve made in my 4 and some years at working at the same place. There’s something nice about being a part of the same team for that long. There’s that familiarity, that history with clients and processes, that personal connection to all those on the team. You tend to be responsible for more, simply because you’ve been around long enough to know the ins and outs of a specific project etc. This new job gets rid of many of those comfortable factors that made up my work-life. I don’t know many people on this new team. I am not aware of current process and procedures. I don’t know how their timeline works or where I fit into the big picture yet. But soon, and I believe it, I’ll have all the answers I need. The greatest part about this decision is that it’s a new challenge involving something I truly am passionate about. It’s going to expand my skills and my world so much, and I’m starting a new chapter of my short life.

Eight

The girls and our boys got together at Matahangi and Nish’s place in Toronto and it was such a good time. Chill, relaxed, nothing crazy planned. Just friends sitting and gathering around food, talking about this and that. I love my friend time and sometimes I long for more of them because we see each other all together such few times. I love these girls with all my heart and although I know Azra wasn’t there I always carry her in my heart so it’s like she was. We somehow all showed up in a different version of denim and it was way too cool so we snapped a  photo!

Nine

It happened y’all. There’s a goal I can check off. 100 days of workouts and right in time for almost half way through the year. There’s a post coming soon where I touch base on how I’m doing with my resolution goals, so look out for that to hear more about the struggles I went through while completing my 100 days goal. There were many. 100 was just a big number I had a dream of achieving one day, and thanks to the determination in me, the support from family, the support from friends watching my journey develop on instagram and facebook and of my friends’ consistency in the WhatsApp private group, I made it through. The group helps keep all of us accountable! We have to check in with a Photo of our workout, or a meal we’re eating if we want to. I am so proud of them for hitting their weekly goals and most of them are super close to 100 too!! So proud!! Now to think of a new goal and crush it! 

In May I was grateful for…

  • Bring able to follow my workouts on mute while watching Netflix.
  • Azra for coming to see me and crafting inspiration boards with me.
  • The feeling after a good sweat.
  • Birthdays and healthy options at restaurants.
  • Being brave enough to cut Congo’s mane.
  • The changes in my body as I hit 80 workout days!
  • Benefits through work to continue to care for my neck/back
  • Massages from people that don’t get tired as quickly!
  • Abs starting to show some definition.
  • Homemade sushi, and the fact that it’s just as delicious as restaurant quality!
  • Morning shakes and new recipes!
  • Dan and Michelle’s awesome magnet gift!
  • Duolingo and holding my French daily streak for a while there!
  • Old high school teachers that made a difference in my life.
  • My mom for being the very best and having her close for another mother’s day.
  • Being healthy enough to play our first slo pitch game.
  • Co-workers who help practice your ball throwing and catching at lunch
  • Breaking out of my comfort zone and applying for a new job.
  • Getting that new job!!
  • Flexible working from home days.
  • Cooking meals at home.
  • Family time with those close and family from Venezuela – playing in great weather.
  • Workouts that are choreographed dances!
  • Congito and him being the cutest.
  • Checking out the city more and going to our first parade here.
  • Designing a themed party and planning decor!
  • Finding a dress at a thrift shop for $16 for Sean and Danielle’s wedding!
  • Purchasing our dream tree, a fiddle leaf fig, and naming it Mowgli.
  • For all the green things thriving in our home.
  • Great co-workers I will miss seeing every day in my old team!
  • Nice and welcoming coworkers on the new team!
  • Seeing my girls (missing Azra) and catching up!
  • Our softball team getting better and better and us wearing matching uniforms.

Look out for another Best Nine next month to hear all about June!

Mariangelica

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